Testimonials

I have really enjoyed working with Mary Ellen during our 1:1 coaching sessions. She is very educated, insightful, and perceptive of my current and past situation. The time we’ve spent together . . . Read More

I have really enjoyed working with Mary Ellen during our 1:1 coaching sessions. She is very educated, insightful, and perceptive of my current and past situation. The time we’ve spent together has been invaluable in helping me process and accept my past and move forward.

I finally realize that it's not me just "losing my mind". Years of gaslighting and zero boundaries left me wondering if I was the problem. I finally realize that even though I do have work to do on . . . Read More

I finally realize that it's not me just "losing my mind". Years of gaslighting and zero boundaries left me wondering if I was the problem. I finally realize that even though I do have work to do on myself that all the years of enmeshment and gaslighting were actually being done to me and now that I know I can set up boundaries and safe guards to help me navigate this tense mother daughter relationship.

I signed up for this class with great hesitancy and fear. But I signed up because the title of the reference book for the course is aptly titled, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" The title seemed to . . . Read More

I signed up for this class with great hesitancy and fear. But I signed up because the title of the reference book for the course is aptly titled, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" The title seemed to capture my life-long inner feeling. Once I started to read the book, I knew I was in good company as the author wrote words that could have been mine. The course facilitators were warm and very helpful. The participants of the course were awesome and I found understanding and common ground. I saw such value in them and was heartbroken for them as they shared their experiences of verbal and nonverbal messages from their narcissistic mothers. I knew I was not alone! The homework was so helpful; one particular piece of homework is now a treasure to me!
I have learned that I am not who my stepmother said I was, by her hurtful words. Nor am I defined by her lack of nurturing and parenting. I am made in God's image, I am loveable and valuable. I was able to separate myself from her and not let her lacking and her own history continue to define who I am. I am thankful that I took this course!

This was a wonderful class. First, being able to be heard and being surrounded by women who understand provides such a safe space to start healing. There is so much support and love in this class, . . . Read More

This was a wonderful class. First, being able to be heard and being surrounded by women who understand provides such a safe space to start healing. There is so much support and love in this class, both from the facilitators and the other participants. I've finally found "my people" and it feels like such a relief. The work is emotionally difficult but everyone is there to support and encourage. As the course comes to an end, I find that I have begun to find my voice with my mother and am beginning to takes the steps to achieve individuation from her. I have really looked forward to our weekly class and I am sad to see it end and hope that we can all continue to support each other. 

I am very grateful for the opportunity to work 1 on 1 with Mary Ellen.  She is very experienced, loving, and Christ-focused.  I have healed a lot from my work with her.  I am looking . . . Read More

I am very grateful for the opportunity to work 1 on 1 with Mary Ellen.  She is very experienced, loving, and Christ-focused.  I have healed a lot from my work with her.  I am looking forward to being whole and free to live the abundant life God promised us. 

Very hard hitting and accurate book outlining the experience and consequences of growing up without a mother's emotional support. A treasure trove of unexplored pain that one could spend a lifetime . . . Read More

Very hard hitting and accurate book outlining the experience and consequences of growing up without a mother's emotional support. A treasure trove of unexplored pain that one could spend a lifetime coming to terms. A class moderated by teachers who lead with great care and empathy, that encourages participants to share on this taboo subject in a safe judgement free zone offering the priceless opportunity to connect and exchange with similarly affected women and of building a network of mutual support.

It was wonderful to connect with other women who get it and can empathize in a deep and meaningful way. It brought a lot of understanding and comfort for me to learn more and more that what I . . . Read More

It was wonderful to connect with other women who get it and can empathize in a deep and meaningful way. It brought a lot of understanding and comfort for me to learn more and more that what I experienced was not my fault. The grief is certainly a process but I know God is faithful and will continue to heal the deep wounds caused by my narcissistic mother

Being a part of a weekly class with women who lived through similar environments as mine has been life changing. There were lies in my heart I had stuffed so many things over that I never accessed . . . Read More

Being a part of a weekly class with women who lived through similar environments as mine has been life changing. There were lies in my heart I had stuffed so many things over that I never accessed them. As part of the class, I uncovered those dark bits hidden in my heart, purged them out and replaced them with the Truth, what God says about me. Doing this in companionship with other women made it safe. Doing this under the guidance of our group leaders made it accessible. And doing this under God’s loving care made me free from lies, clean and ready to live out His purpose for my life. 

I am still wrapping my head around even being in the class. Growing up, I knew something was "out of sync' but I didn't realize I was being abused or that I should have experienced the nurturing . . . Read More

I have been involved with the ministry for a few years and have taken nearly all the classes offered. This retreat was a life-changing opportunity for me! From the small group sessions to the larger . . . Read More

My journey actually began many years ago, long before I heard about the Motherless Daughters Ministry. It began the day my world turned upside down. I was thirteen years old when I went to wake my . . . Read More

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” - Buddha Siddhartha Guatama ShakyamuniThrough a strange series of events, that I understand better now as God moments, I was connected to the . . . Read More

This class was the perfect sequel to the Emotionally Absent Mothers course. The materials, discussion, activities, and connection was comforting and also really helped connect me with others who . . . Read More

I discovered this ministry many years before I was ready to fully embrace the fact that my mother was truly emotionally absent and that this fact left me with deep wounds that would not heal on . . . Read More

The Emotionally Absent Mother course has given me hope in a fog of despair. The content is exceptional. The facilitators are fairy godmothers of empathy and truth. The participants are surprising . . . Read More

This course was an extraordinary experience. It allowed me to meet women from all over the country that share similar feeling and experiences as me. For the first time in my life I felt like I was . . . Read More

November 22, 1999 is a day that I will never forget. It is the day that my mother passed away. I was 17 and a senior in high school. She had been in the hospital for a couple weeks this time. Her . . . Read More

November 22, 1999 is a day that I will never forget. It is the day that my mother passed away. I was 17 and a senior in high school. She had been in the hospital for a couple weeks this time. Her death wasn’t necessarily unexpected, as she had been sick for a long time, but it still came as a surprise. A surprise…that at the age of 17 I was not aware would affect me the rest of my life.

Well I guess my mom had only been really sick for about 5 years, but at the age of 17 that seemed like a life-time. She had COPD, caused from years of smoking. She had been diagnosed many years before (when I was probably 4 or 5), but it wasn’t until I was 12 that her disease really started to affect her. It started gradually at first, with shortness of breath when she walked, but quickly lead to her not being able to work within that first year. The last 3 years of her life she was in and out of the hospital almost on a monthly basis and was on oxygen 24/7. The last couple years of her life she couldn’t do much on her own, so I became her primary caretaker. I spent a lot of time with my mother, but we never really talked and we didn’t know anything about each other. Looking back on things now…that is my biggest regret….that I didn’t take the time to get to know her as a person. She was always just my mom or the person I had to take care of. She was the person I was embarrassed for my friends to meet. I never looked at her as a person with her own life and stories from before I was born.

The Motherless Daughters (MD) class and ministry have helped me tremendously in dealing with my mother loss. Before attending the class, I had kept all my thoughts and feelings about my mother and her death inside. I would only speak of her in positive terms, and after 11 years I still blamed myself for her death. When I took the MD class in the fall of 2011, I was expecting to talk about my mom and how I had dealt with her death. I wasn’t expecting to learn about how her death had affected other parts of my life; my way of relating to people and that I had actual feelings about my mother that were not positive.

I learned that I was angry at my mom for dying. I felt as though she had chosen cigarettes over me. Before the MD class I never would have allowed myself to think that…let alone write it down for other people to see. I realized that it’s ok to have negative feelings about my mom and her sickness…and that it is ok to express those feelings. I also learned that because I had been hurt by my mother, that I avoided having close relationships with people. I was afraid of being hurt again.

Through the experience of losing my mother and going through the MD class, God has taught me that He really does take the things in our lives that hurt us and uses them for good. I have learned that it’s ok to get close to people, and while I still have a lot to work on, I am beginning to establish close relationships. I am letting others get to know who I really am. I have a woman in my life who has taken over the mother role that I never thought I would have again and tried to convince myself I didn’t need. While things in my life have not always been easy, they have brought me to where I am today, and that is right where God wants me to be.

Sharing in the Motherless Daughters group was healing and validating. I learned I am not alone and there is power in feeling support. I learned that boundaries are healthy and necessary. I learned . . . Read More

Sharing in the Motherless Daughters group was healing and validating. I learned I am not alone and there is power in feeling support. I learned that boundaries are healthy and necessary. I learned through troubled times God brings amazing people to walk beside me. I learned gratitude is extremely important. Especially when it is difficult. I am grateful for the Motherless Daughters Ministry.

This class has helped me see the narcissistic traits of my sister and others. I this helped me to have a better understanding why my sister (my mother!) has these traits. Although I hate that I . . . Read More

This class has helped me see the narcissistic traits of my sister and others. I this helped me to have a better understanding why my sister (my mother!) has these traits. Although I hate that I can’t have a real relations with my sister, I can have a more forgiving attitude toward her. And my expectations can lessen. This class has helped me see I am separate from her, and I do not have to identify myself with her. It has also helped me to recognize my narcissistic traits. I can be aware of my actions an behaviors in order to stop the pattern.

Motherless Daughters Ministry has impacted my life in many different ways. Since attending the Journey Retreat, I have been able to allow myself to claim mu my mother because I have found validation . . . Read More

Motherless Daughters Ministry has impacted my life in many different ways. Since attending the Journey Retreat, I have been able to allow myself to claim mu my mother because I have found validation as a motherless daughter. I have been able to grow and learn and I have met amazing women that I have come to love.

I have truly enjoyed this class. It was eye-opening and validating. Mary Ellen and Cathy provided a warm inviting and safe place to share our hearts and stories. I know I have more work and . . . Read More

I have truly enjoyed this class. It was eye-opening and validating. Mary Ellen and Cathy provided a warm inviting and safe place to share our hearts and stories. I know I have more work and wrestling to do in terms of the relationship with my mom, but this class has given me the spring board to dive in with greater compassion and understanding.

It wasn’t until after I was done being a hormone-crazed teenager, went away to school, and got married, that I realized what an awesome person my mom was. Actually, I began to see her as the very . . . Read More

It wasn’t until after I was done being a hormone-crazed teenager, went away to school, and got married, that I realized what an awesome person my mom was. Actually, I began to see her as the very special soul she was when I discovered a letter she hid in my suitcase after she and Dad left, having settled me into my dorm room my freshman year in college. It contained heartfelt, wonderful words of encouragement, expressing how proud she was and how God will always be there for me…just everything a daughter leaving home for the first time would want to hear from her mother. I felt SO LOVED, and I loved my mother…SO MUCH.

So my best friend, my Mom, was there from then on (she always was, I just didn’t realize it) to help me move into my first apartment and then my first home, experiencing all the fun projects that come with that. We never stopped when she was visiting, except to have a glass of wine now and then.

Mom was the spiritual leader in our family. She grew up in a dysfunctional family and had to seek God and religion on her own. Basically raised by her grandmother, Mom helped to raise her four younger siblings. She began walking to church at age 14 and took an interest in the Catholic faith. In fact, Mom had her First Communion on her wedding day. Thus, we were raised Catholic. She had faith. Boy, did she ever have faith.

Mom cried and hugged me through some difficult years after I received a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis when I was 23. I had many surgeries, as well as years of infertility. So many times she prayed to God to take all my pain and give it to her. She was there for all but a few of my 18 surgeries, many times taking her vacation time to do so. She helped me live out this scripture: “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” (Romans 5:3-4)

My twins, Michael and Erin, arrived in 1995. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She came in to town for long stretches of time and basically read my mind regarding everything I needed or that needed to be done – she was an angel.

My story of mother loss began in 2000 when my Mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. I was five hours away, married, and raising 5 year-old twins. I remember coming home to be with her and my dad for her first surgery. It was April 1, 2000. Up until they wheeled her away to the OR, I kept telling her it was a sick April Fool’s joke.

Soon after her surgery, she began chemotherapy treatments, and did really well for several years. During this time I witnessed her faith in action, coupled with courage and humor. What a role model she was to so many people, never complaining a bit. Throughout all that she doted and loved on my kids. She was an awesome grandmother! Boy, did she ever love my kids.

When the cancer spread to her liver a few years later, the local doctors told her there was nothing else they could do. We brought her to Cincinnati and found a surgeon who ended up saving her life. It was a miracle! We were going to have her for so many more years! “Thank you, Jesus!” was her response in the recovery room. It was awesome.

After this victory, we saw how fragile life really is, and as a result, Gary and I decided to try and have another child. Amazingly, miraculously, we got pregnant the first month we tried. Our miracle baby, Will, was born in October 2001. Little did I know then that Will was going to get the short end of the stick – he wouldn’t grow up with memories of how awesome Grandma Mary was.

Yes, we did have her for a long time after that, but not without sacrifice. Eventually, to keep relentless tumors from getting bigger, she began weekly chemo treatments. This went on for four years. The chemo fried her brain. At first it was a little forgetfulness and repeating things. Our conversations had become short and sweet, primarily about the weather and the dog. Sometimes (SO out of character for her), she would ask about the kids, and wonder how old they were now. It made me so sad.

The point when I actually felt like I lost her was in 2007. We were on our spring break vacation. My birthday was also that week. I waited all day for her call. It never came. For the first time in my life my MOM forgot my birthday. I know now that that day really changed me. I realized that she wasn’t ever going to get better. I had lost her. I was so heartbroken.

In January of 2010, the doctors told us that Mom had three months to live. My three siblings and I literally took care of everything. One of us was with her twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, caring not only for her but my dad that had recently fallen and broken his ankle.

In the midst of this God was my rock. I joined a women’s Bible study. The study and this special group of women was exactly what I needed. God even brought me Mary Marcum, who, as a motherless daughter, ministered to me. Now we both are facilitators for the Motherless Daughters class. Over the next few months, I learned how to listen to the spirit and find comfort in the midst of watching my mother slowly die. I saw and felt God’s presence like I’d never known. He gave me so many gifts. The most precious was a special time with my mom one early morning. During breakfast God literally pushed me from behind, as if to say, “Now!” and I had the most amazing conversation with my mom about our faith. For one whole hour, her mind was clear as a bell, laughing, crying and hugging. And then slowly, slowly, she faded away again and went back to bed. That was the last real conversation I had with Mom, yet the greatest gift I’ve ever received.

On Mom’s 73rd birthday, Gary and I left for Ireland. I knew when I left her three days earlier that I would never see her again. My whole family encouraged me to go on this once-in-a-lifetime trip to celebrate Gary’s brother’s 50th birthday. I know Mom would’ve wanted me to go too. She went to heaven five days into our trip. I thought all I wanted was to be with her when she died. But now I believe with all my heart that God, in His infinite power, grace, and LOVE put me in the right place. God completely orchestrated that whole week. It was the most peaceful and spiritual experience of my life. Why? God held my hand the entire trip showing me His presence every single day. It was a time to be cleansed and to celebrate mom’s life. Gary was there with me too – FOR me, in a way he could never have been had we been at home with our hectic lives. I thank God for that too. A verse that God gave me during that time still calms me: “I am still confident of this: that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:13-14) Its meaning became so clear to me after she died. The land of the living for mom is in heaven and the land of the living for me is to remain here on earth and find joy in Him.

In the fall of 2010 I took the Motherless Daughters class and although it was very difficult at times, it was also a safe place to heal, cry, and be among other women going through similar experiences. We were in the second week when God called me to teach this class. I just knew. I am a Christian. I gave my life to Christ on February 20, 2011, and was baptized as well. Nothing has been the same, and I already know that in death there is life. Many people don’t open their eyes to see the precious in the worthless (Jeremiah 15:19), but I am so blessed to see it so clearly now, so soon after her passing. I would have never met the beautiful motherless daughters who have become an essential part of my life and my healing. We’ll be forever connected by a club we didn’t want to join, but one God had planned for us. Mom would be so proud.

God’s timing was perfect as always. I needed this class, was open to hear the truth. It was a comfort to be with women who understood, who could relate and with Mary Ellen and Cathy who loved me . . . Read More

God’s timing was perfect as always. I needed this class, was open to hear the truth. It was a comfort to be with women who understood, who could relate and with Mary Ellen and Cathy who loved me through it. The guilt that accompanied my thoughts about my mom was wiped away. I am entitled to my own thoughts and feelings and I was given grace to express them. I am very grateful.

This class has shown me that it was my mom’s inability to love that was the issue, not that I was unloveable. It showed me who I was apart from her — an individual not my mom. It showed me . . . Read More

This class has shown me that it was my mom’s inability to love that was the issue, not that I was unloveable. It showed me who I was apart from her — an individual not my mom. It showed me it’s ok to work on myself — I deserve it.

“This is a safe place to discuss “bad mommy issues, conduct and behaviors. Thank . . . Read More

“This is a safe place to discuss “bad mommy issues, conduct and behaviors. Thank you.

I AM WHO I AM – BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER A Mother’s Loveby Michael O. Adesanya “There are times only when a Mother’s loveCan understand our tears,Can soothe our disappointmentsAnd calm all . . . Read More

I AM WHO I AM – BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER

A Mother’s Love
by Michael O. Adesanya

“There are times only when a Mother’s love
Can understand our tears,
Can soothe our disappointments
And calm all our fears.
There are times when only a Mother’s Love
Can share the joy we feel
When something we’ve dreamed about
Quite suddenly is real.
There are times when only a Mother’s faith
Can help on life’s way
And inspire in us the confidence
We need from day to day.
For a Mother’s heart and a Mother’s faith
And a Mother’s steadfast love
Were fashioned by the Angels
And sent from God above…”

Isn’t that a lovely sentiment? I mean, this poem must be gracing the inside page of a greeting card somewhere. I’m sure; however, it’s not one that I’ve purchased for my mom. Simply put – it doesn’t describe her at all.

Well, I suppose I should be fair. I know my mother loves me. I know she has (or at least has had) faith in me, but, all that mush about filling in the gap emotionally just doesn’t ring true for this daughter. I wonder if it rings true for my brother. I highly doubt it. He probably struggles as much, if not more, than I do.

God gave me an epiphany today. As I sat at lunch with my own small daughter and my best friend, “lightning struck my brain.” You see, I’ve been very contemplative since my return from Dallas just before Christmas, where I visited with my brother for a few days and then with my mom for about 36 hours. Those last 36 hours have been weighing on my heart ever since. Today, I think I know why.

I’ve got an identity crisis. Perhaps it’s a priorities crisis, or even a “heart” problem. The bottom line is I’ve been running away from my calling to be a wife and mom for over 3 ½ years now. I try to fill my day and my “professional” side, with anything that masks the painful task of being a stay at home. I’ve worked outside the home, from inside my home and I’ve filled my time with sewing and other people’s projects and problems. But, I’ve yet to put my energy where it is needed most – into my immediate family – my husband and my kids (I have two older “step” kids who live in Vermont. I dislike the “step” part of that phrase as they are my kids, if you catch my drift).

When I really think about my “career” as a mom, it started long before my older kids entered my life 17 years ago. It started back in 1990, at the age of 17, when my father was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease, which eventually he succumbed to in 1998. Little did I know that I’d begun parenting my parents at such a critical stage in my life. Everything changed for me the day I found out my dad was sick, including where I went to college, how I regarded my relationships with my family and how I would live out the next 16 years struggling to find peace in my heart.

My mother did not deal well with challenge. As I look back at the few precious memories I have of my life before my father was ill, I catch a glimpse of a troubled child, one who longed for her mother’s approval, but never received it. Oh, I was Daddy’s girl, and got lots of affirmation from him. Of course, I was most like him. But Mom, well, nothing was good enough for her. I often joke with my friends that my mother gave me a complex about cleaning and that’s why I’m chaos at home. She wouldn’t let me wash dishes – only dry them – because I didn’t do it good enough. I couldn’t dust or vacuum or make my bed without her coming right after me to redo it. My brother had a different experience as he was a latch-key kid and had to figure it all out on his own. He’s the cook in the family since I was never allowed in the kitchen to learn. I had to beg my mom to let me cook for a home economics project and when I reminded her about it a few years ago, she said “yeah, doesn’t surprise me.”

At 17, I had to become a functioning adult in the household – forget enjoying the late teens and early 20’s. By the time I was 23, I had been married and divorced and then the only functioning adult in the family. My brother had become a drug addict and dealer and my mother continued to be in a state of denial. I had learned during those years that my mother had been a long time adulteress, my father (I later found out and to this day still do not recall the facts) was going to leave my mom just prior to his diagnosis and I had to wear the “big girl pants” and take care of them all. I was stunned when my father asked me to be the executrix of his will because he didn’t trust my mom. After all these years since, I understand why! I have also unearthed deep wounds caused by sexual abuse in my early childhood which lead to my abusing my brother and probably the main reason I was so depressed as a young adult. Where was my mom during all this? I cannot recall. I only remember a busy lady who was never really happy about much of anything . Unfortunately, that has not changed and she is a bitter, lonely woman who more often than not has nothing but pain and misery to report.

When my husband and I were trying to get pregnant, I dreamt of having a little girl because I wanted to have a close relationship with her that mirrored the one I had with my own mom. Little did I realize that the relationship I longed for with my own child was a deep longing for what was really missing in my life – a mother who was engaged and emotionally present. That longing has always remained, but I had covered up with an idol of what I believed my relationship was or should be. I’ve always known that I’ve been the mother in the mother-daughter relationship. It’s been clear as day to me for years. But today, the final pieces of that idol came crashing down around me and the Light of Truth has revealed that things have not been – and will not be – as I had hoped.

Oh, where do I go from here? How do I break down this enormous weight that has been crushing me for so long? I believe it started in Dallas, last December (2013). I visited with my brother and his family and got iced in for 4 days. I truly believe it was a God-ordained event as I had the opportunity to observe my brother and his family and finally get to know his wife. What a blessing I have been missing over the last 10 years! My heart is burdened for her as she struggles to help her family cope with all the stressors they have upon them, including my brother’s inability to fully engage his own family. I finally was able to make it to my mom’s and quickly realized that the last 36 hours of my visit were going to be painful for my daughter and me. Precocious and sensitive, my poor 5 ½ year old could not get a break from “Geema” as every time she turned around, my mom snapped at her to stay away from this or don’t touch that. I had to make my mother tell my daughter she loved her because all my little girl received was Geema’s anger. Wow. How eyeopening that was for me. Had my childhood been the same way?

Over the weeks that have followed my return, I have held onto this question. Recently, my mom’s sister had major back surgery and has developed complications that have her in ICU and struggling for life. I have been talking to my cousin, 9 years my senior, to the day, and we have discovered that our lives are not much different in the way of mother-daughter relationships. She was telling me that she finally had it out with her mom and told her that “I am who I am because of you, Mom.” Tearful apologies followed, but Tammie feels they meant nothing. “She may have given birth to me, but she’s never mothered me,” she said. Once again, words that brought deep pondering about my own life.

And today, the proverbial light bulb went off. “I am who I am because of my mother.” Let me be quite clear here – this is not your typical Freudian mother issue. This is far deeper than any psychobabble. I have been rebellious, exasperated, angry, depressed and unloving to my family. I have searched my mind for answers and prayed for clarity. Why do I act this way? I acknowledged about a year ago that I have failed to embrace my role in my home. But, I didn’t know why! I didn’t know (not that I do now) how to fix it. A few days of scurrying to clean and the planning out of activities for my little girl do not override the enormous weight I carry that keeps me disengaged. I bury myself in my sewing, in writing PDFs for a designer, in social media, in volunteering, in. . . in . . . in anything but my family.

Oh, heavy heart! Rejoice! The Lord has deemed fit to reveal Himself in this time, in this place, and is ready to heal my heart. Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (emphasis added)

In so many ways, I am like my mom. It turns out I clean like her, when I clean. I certainly look like her and emotionally, I have followed in her footsteps. But, I want to break the cycle. I want to love my family deeply. I want to engage them fully. I want to know them intimately. I don’t want to coast through life as a spectator, choosing when, where and how to interact with my loved ones. I want to be intentional.

As I stand at the starting point in this journey, I know not what lies ahead. Is it a road less traveled? Is it going to be hard and painful? Will I be free on the other side of it all? My heart tells me to take courage for the Lord is good and faithful. The words of a popular movie soundtrack have echoed in my mind for days – but they ring so true. . .

Let it go, let it go.
Can’t hold it back anymore.
Let it go, let it go.
Turn away and slam the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.
It’s funny how some distance, makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free!

Just as the Snow Queen finds freedom in letting go of her past, of shedding her gloves and letting the full force of wintery powers explode on the mountain top in the form of a beautiful ice castle, my desire is to let go of the my past, of these chains that weigh me down and keep me from being the woman God created me to be. I want to replace the statement “I am who I am because of my mother” with a new and truer mantra – “I am a Daughter of the Most High King, called to be a wife and mother and to serve my Lord as He leads.”

It’s time to let it go – and find freedom and peace.

Oh, Father in Heaven, my prayer tonight, is that these words do not die on the page they have been written upon, but that they bring life to my heavy heart through faith in Your healing power and goodness found only through Your Son, Jesus. I pray for healing, for peace and above all for real change so that I can break the cycle of dysfunction and bring honor and glory to Your Holy Name. Change me, mold me – I am but a clay pot in the Potter’s Hand, broken and frail, but with heart that is willing to be reshaped. Help me to push through when it gets hard, when I get discouraged and when faced with hard truths. Bless my family and gird them with strength as I journey through this process. Bless those that walk with me and pray for me and above all, Lord, reveal Yourself to me in a such a strong and mighty way that there is only one answer for the change in me – I owe it all to my Savior and King.

In hope, in faith, in gratitude,
Amen

My journey began a lifetime ago, when I was only an adolescent The loss of my mother at 16 was devastating. The Motherless Daughters Journey helped me to understand that although my head had . . . Read More

My journey began a lifetime ago, when I was only an adolescent The loss of my mother at 16 was devastating. The Motherless Daughters Journey helped me to understand that although my head had completed what it needed to fully grieve, my heart had not found a way to accept all that happened to me as a result of my loss.

Through the love and compassion of this Journey, I was able to walk along the path I had chosen for my life, and better understand my choices and decisions I had made along the way. Over my lifetime, I experienced a lot more heartache, suffering. and losses. The other women in the class helped me to feel more understood and less alone. They listened to my story without judgment. I appreciated having the fellowship of these women. We are sisters now, and my heart is overflowing.

I know that even after all these years, I am still a work in progress. I am grateful that I gave my life to Christ a number of years ago because I believe He led me to this Motherless Daughters Journey. I am thankful for this ministry and the healing that it has brought to so many of us!

I am so grateful for this class and how God has used it to help me find who I am apart from my mom. I learned that I am a separate valuable individual. I now know that my mom’s narcissistic issues . . . Read More

I am so grateful for this class and how God has used it to help me find who I am apart from my mom. I learned that I am a separate valuable individual. I now know that my mom’s narcissistic issues have nothing to do with me and that it was not my job to fix her or anyone else, for that matter. I have come to a place of acceptance, no longer looking to her for my identity or for the love that she could not give. God’s love is enough and He has proven that through the people and the facilitators in this class.

I felt a kinship with the women in the group. Our stories were not exactly the same but the effects of their relationships with their moms and/or mom figures were so similar. It was such a comfort knowing I was not alone in this, that there are others who felt as I did and who could relate to my pain. Walking through these classes and exercises with them has solidified my belief that God can provide love and healing through relationships and I need not be afraid. I am grateful for this safe place to express my hurt knowing I was understood.

The facilitators did an amazing job leading us through the process. They diverted our attention from our mother’s view of us to how God sees us – as children He loves, as the unique women that he created us to be. They helped us see who we really are, not who we were told we were by our moms who could not see us at all. I am so grateful for their insight and leadership. I know I still have work to do and it may be a long road ahead but I can walk it with hope and a belief that this is God’s path to wholeness. I would recommend this class to anyone who deals with the effects of a narcissistic mother.

Since taking the Daughters of the Narcissistic Mother Class I look at myself and situations differently. I have learned coping strategies in times of intense emotion. The exercises at times were . . . Read More

Since taking the Daughters of the Narcissistic Mother Class I look at myself and situations differently. I have learned coping strategies in times of intense emotion. The exercises at times were scary, hard, painful and uncomfortable but in the end very helpful. It has given me clarity and the ability to accept and validate my feelings, and it has given me tools to move forward and release baggage. It gave me a safe place to be vulnerable. It has opened up better conversation with my therapist.

I lost my mother in 2 ways – emotionally from birth, and then to death on February 9th 2008, the day after my birthday. She died unexpectedly 4 days after I gave birth to my 2nd daughter. So with . . . Read More

I lost my mother in 2 ways – emotionally from birth, and then to death on February 9th 2008, the day after my birthday. She died unexpectedly 4 days after I gave birth to my 2nd daughter. So with medical issues, a 2-year old and just having had a baby, I don’t remember too much. I don’t believe I ever had the chance to grieve. I thought I had; I was sad, but then I moved on.

When my mom died, I was upset that I would never have a mom to help me. I also grieved that I never had nor would ever have that connected relationship with a mom. I hoped that, if she’d lived, maybe someday it would have happened.

“God must have wanted you here for a reason.” This is what my mom would always say to me. She constantly reminded me that I was never wanted in the first place. My biological dad threw her down the stairs and she said she should have miscarried me, so God must have wanted me here.

My mom and I never got along. Growing up, I remember always wishing that she was not home. I thought I needed to do things for her to make her love me and want me around, but this was a losing battle; everything I did upset her and made her yell at me. I was emotionally abused, put down and sometimes physically abused. However, I always had my grandma, with whom I spent most of my time. I remember going to grandma’s room in my many times of need. But grandma got Alzheimer’s and by the time I was 13, she had to go into a nursing home. Through motherless daughters, I realized that my grandma was my mother figure and that losing her meant yet another mother loss for me.

While I was growing up, my mom was always on the newest diet. When I was in the 4th grade, I started to get a little chunky, so she made me go on a diet. I had to do weigh-ins and meetings at Weight Watchers every week and she watched everything I put in my mouth. Over time, I started to hate what I looked like. I felt fat and disgusting. Kids in school were not nice, either, which made me feel worse about myself.

But by the time I reached 13, I learned how to become skinny. Body suits were the new trend and my mom said I could not wear one unless I lost a lot of weight. So I became anorexic and bulimic. I lost tons of weight and my mom was very proud of me. She bought me body suits and everything was great; I was skinny and my mom was proud of me for a short period of time.

Eventually she figured out my ways and threatened me to stop, but because I had a problem, I could not. I spent my high school years in therapy and in and out of hospitals for the eating disorders. My mom would fire any therapist she did not like. Now I see that it was the ones who mentioned her behavior towards me who were the ones she fired.

In 10th grade, my anorexia was bad, so I was put in the hospital for several weeks, where it got even worse. I got out, but during my 11^th grade year, the day before Thanksgiving break, I could hardly wake up. I weighed only 85lbs, so I was sent to Children’s Hospital for a few weeks. I tried to call my house on Thanksgiving Day, but my mom refused to talk to me. She told me later that she would not speak to me because of what I “did to her on Thanksgiving.”

It was during this visit that my insurance ran out, so apparently my parents took out a loan against our house to keep me in there. Unfortunately, I had to hear about this repeatedly until the day she died, when I was 29 years old.

The same year I was released from the hospital, I was in a major car accident, trapped in my car until being released with the Jaws of Life. My injuries were significant, but to this day, I know that there was an angel in the car with me. Once again, Mom brought up the wonderful fact that God must really want me here, and for a moment in time, I believed that she did, too. Blessedly, the accident, combined with another subsequent brush with death in the form of attempted suicide, brought me closer to God, putting me on track to find my way in my faith.

When my mom died, I became heavier, never losing the baby weight. It was like I had a free pass not to have someone there telling me to get fit or watch what I ate. Then I got pregnant again and had more medical issues, including a weight gain to 250lbs. At that point, I was miserable with my own weight.

I had been a fitness instructor for several years and knew I wanted to do that again, so I got busy and kicked my butt and lost the weight the correct way with eating right and exercise. I thought the weight loss would make me happy, but it did not. After a huge emotional breakdown, I knew I needed help.

I researched and went to the Eve Center. The minute I walked in and saw the Motherless Daughter flyer, I knew right then and there that I had to be in this class. It was like God had spoken and told me to go.

I attended the class in the fall of 2011, then again in spring 2012. It was so over-whelming the first time, I had to repeat it! I learned so much about myself and actually learned to forgive myself for my life mistakes. While I still struggle with being angry with my mom, I am slowly beginning to forgive her. My work with MD has even helped me realize my dream of becoming a nurse. In spite of a lot of self-doubt, I decided to listen to God and follow my calling. I begin classes in January of 2015.

In 2012 I decided to become a facilitator for motherless daughters. It was a healing emotional adventure. In the beginning, I had no confidence and the spiritual attack was beyond overwhelming. Somehow through all that pain, I healed a little more. I forgave my mom and a few others in my life who had caused me harm. My mom had her issues because she was abused in horrible ways as a child and never dealt with her issues. I know she loved me the best she could.

It has taken me more than 6 months and a lot of fighting with myself to write this. God kept tugging at me to write. In the midst of this, my pastor gave a sermon on telling your story, so at long last, I am. I can only pray that it reaches people and helps them find their way in healing and to know that they are not alone.

What The Emotionally Absent Mother Class Has Done for Me When I first came to this class, I thought maybe I would just learn a few things. I was nervous and did not know what to . . . Read More

What The Emotionally Absent Mother Class Has Done for Me

When I first came to this class, I thought maybe I would just learn a few things. I was nervous and did not know what to expect.

I have felt for many years that something was very wrong with me. I felt alone and that no one understood me. Not quite two years ago, I decided to try therapy, Celebrate Recovery (CR), classes—anything to help me. I was exhausted from running from my mind and emotions, as well as therapy for so many years. Plus, God was tugging on me pretty hard to do something.

Working on co-dependency through CR at my church just wasn’t enough for me. God was soon pulling me in another direction, but I did not know where to go. Then this class fell in my lap. I know God has been guiding me in this direction from day one. Getting me ready for the big reveal, as I call it. Certain things had to happen and be revealed before I could start this part of my journey. During the last two years, everything has fallen into place at just the right time.

This class has saved me in more ways than I can even begin to explain. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God Himself led me here. Although I still have a long journey of healing ahead of me, a huge portion of that healing has started in this class, The Emotionally Absent Mother. God has been working in me many years now. I have been praying a long time for answers, and I have received them in this class. This is the beginning of the end of a vicious generational cycle, or at least I hope it is.

This class has defined and confirmed that not only are my emotions and character defects real, they were validated. I now understand the reason I am the way I am. I can start working on changing as well as healing. What I learned in this class can take some people years in therapy to learn. Through God and this class my core issue was revealed to me. Just identifying the core problem was so powerful for me, because now I can put a name to it. Now I understand.

I now realize that my issues weren’t just my issues. They are the same issues for thousands—if not millions—of women in this world. Before this class, my deep scars were impossible to even identify let alone talk about. I learned that “knowledge is wisdom” and it truly is. There is much power in that statement. This class and this book know how to bring your thoughts and emotions to life. No one needs to walk around feeling numb and alone. I can finally identify with something, know it’s real and know that I am not crazy. I now understand what happened and why, which is powerful for me.

God is a gracious, loving, caring God who is healing me. I am so grateful to Him. I never understood how people could say that they feel God’s love and really mean it. I never have, and it’s because of all the walls and blocks I have had. Now I am beginning to understand as those walls come down. I now am starting to feel His love. God showed me my core issue. He spoke it to me, “Abandonment.” The light bulb turned on and my life truly flashed before my eyes that day. Everything that I have been through comes back to this. This is such a huge revelation and truly life-changing. Just knowing this and putting a name to my dysfunction is ground-breaking for me. Of course, God knows this, and now I can start the work of healing.

I am grateful for this program and for you ladies and for what you’re doing for so many women. I am thankful for your obedience to the Lord in serving others. This is what Christ calls us to do. You help to heal women, which strengthens His kingdom. You are helping women in life-changing ways.

I give glory to God for the work He is doing in and for me through you.

The Emotionally Absent Mother class has helped me in my journey for healing with my mother loss. I have learned so much about myself. Understanding why I am the way I am and what has helped to shape . . . Read More

The Emotionally Absent Mother class has helped me in my journey for healing with my mother loss. I have learned so much about myself. Understanding why I am the way I am and what has helped to shape me into who I am.

Understanding that what happened to me as a young child (and throughout) effects how I see myself and others. Therefore, it shapes my relationships. I learned my attachment style as a result of my class.

This class has also shown me how to contradict my fears with truth. The fears and lies I’ve carried for all my life, I’ve now had tangible contradictions that I can see and prove them wrong. We’ve been able to share our insights and thoughts and reflections. Helping one another in our journeys.

The ability and chance to write a Good Mother letter was such a healing to me personally. At first, it was difficult, but then as soon as the pen touched the paper it was as if my mom had come to life on paper. It was cathartic for me.

The tangible activities that we did in class, the Legos, was a neat insight into our emotionally absent world, as well. All of the homework activities and classes have helped me in my Motherless Daughter’s journey and Cathy and Mary Ellen . . . . I love you guys. Thank you for leading this class for us.

My relationship with my mom can be wrapped up into a few phrases of her most famous comments that like to camp out in my head when things aren’t going well. “Well, if you weren’t such a blah, . . . Read More

My relationship with my mom can be wrapped up into a few phrases of her most famous comments that like to camp out in my head when things aren’t going well. “Well, if you weren’t such a blah, blah blah you might be half ass.” Her last words to me before she died were, “you have been annoying me and disappointing me for the last 27 years.” I shouldn’t be offended because her last words left a painful scar; they were like so many of her other words in my life.

I was 34 when she died and my rebellious mind thought, “Well, math isn’t my strong point and it obviously isn’t yours either.” My other profound thought was, at least we had 7 good years. before you give her the Wicked Witch of the West award I need to clarify – my mom did love all of us but she didn’t know how to show it or express it. For her, motherhood was not her choice but was determined by societal, religious, and family expectations. before I took the MD class, I thought that my loss started when I was 34. While taking the class, I realized I don’t remember when my mom first checked out. I don’t know if she was ever really there emotionally but she was physically present.

Mother loss has impacted and continues to impact every aspect of my life. I later realized that my goal to please my mom was pretty ridiculous because I should never set my sites on half ass. If I had to be an ass, I wanted to be an entire ass. no matter what I did, if I couldn’t be the best, I wasn’t going to do it. There was a lot I didn’t do, a lot more I shouldn’t have done, but even more I should have done. Friendships were only so deep and no deeper. They were only for a season and very few lasted. My second husband is an amazing man and we are learning to work on this thing called relationships. As a mom, I swore I wouldn’t make the same mistakes. Sometimes I accomplished that goal and sometimes I made new and improved mistakes. I realized it is easier to be a mom when you have never been a parent, than when you are parenting. I continually try to make sure my children know I love hem. I want them to strive to be the best they can be for themselves, not what they think I think they should be.

Through all of this God has been my rock even when I didn’t know Him. I grew up Catholic and for me that meant a relationship with rules, regulations, guilt, and sore knees. This would lead me on a search for who God was and it took me through a maze of toxic poison filled with a little of this, a little of that, and a lot of nothing. I finally let God find me as I was going through a divorce. I found my amazing Father who had never lost track of me, but I had been searching for Him my entire life.

When I heard about Motherless Daughters I was in a season of my life with multiple, multiple losses and changes. These were so great, I could hardly bear it because they were overwhelming. at that time I could no longer hear Jesus talk to me, the bible, that was normally 3-D when I read it, was flat and so was Jesus. I was searching for a new church that would meet my spiritual needs. I was sitting in Rivers Crossing Community Church checking out the church as an undercover Christian. I was trying to decide if this could be my church home when they introduced this thing they called the Motherless Daughter Class. I felt the Holy Spirit kick me and tell me I should do this. Because I wasn’t really listening, I thought they were talking about young girls who didn’t have a mom to love them. I decided that would be a good thing to draw me out of my pity party. One of my toughest struggles was when my 18-year old daughter (my youngest) left to join the Navy. I missed her terribly. If I had been listening to the rest of the announcement I would have run the other way and never looked back! The last thing I wanted to do was share my feelings so I could experience more rejection and pain.

I can still feel the fear and panic I felt before going into class the first few times. I forced myself out of the car, through the doors, and into the restroom to splash cold water on my face. I had to give myself strength before I could enter the room. It was in that class that I met women just like me. Women just like me who had lost their moms through death, rejection, or both. Women who were just as afraid as I was. Women who didn’t know they were beautiful. They helped glue me back together and find my laugh again. These women were the same women that I opened up to, trusted, and shared pain. I saw I wasn’t alone.

If you were to ask for Bible verses that encourage me, I would have to say that God speaks to us in different ways. Sometimes it is from experiences, other people, or that small quiet voice. Sometimes a loud “hello are you listening” voice and oftentimes it is through His word in the bible. There is not one part of the Bible that is without meaning or message at some point in my journey. When I read it, it is like I am there. I can see, smell, hear, touch, taste, and feel it. It is real. The Bible shows us the heart of God and that He chooses people who are just like you and me to do extraordinary things. I found women who either knew God or would know God. Women just like me trying to deal with the same things I was and trying to put it all together to make sense. These women encouraged me to share my faith and the bible and later send out a daily devotional called RAPTs. (random and Profound Thoughts, named by a great friend from the class.) I did not make the name up but I assure you they are random thoughts. May your mother loss journey be filled with the love and healing that only Jesus can give.

This class made me more aware of the role my mother played / or didn’t play. Learning that “I” just fill in the gaps that under mothering left and I need to use the tools, and ask for help to . . . Read More

This class made me more aware of the role my mother played / or didn’t play. Learning that “I” just fill in the gaps that under mothering left and I need to use the tools, and ask for help to fill in the gaps.

This class has daughter me to have more self-will. I will be cognizant of the gaps I have from being under-mothered. Page 170 spoke to me about being my own best Mother. While working on nurturing . . . Read More

This class has daughter me to have more self-will. I will be cognizant of the gaps I have from being under-mothered. Page 170 spoke to me about being my own best Mother. While working on nurturing and caregiving to myself I must be careful that I don’t repeat that feeling tone of my resentful Mother. My take aways from the special people in our class are:

• We must grieve our Mother loss, use tools to fill the gaps that loss caused and if we can do that we won’t die in our dysfunction.
• I will continue to learn and embrace who I am, what I want, what I love and who I want to be.
• I must and will take an active role in my own rescue.
• I don’t just want to survive, I want to thrive

The Lord has had me on a journey toward freedom for the past couple of years. I began to have a “knowing” in my heart that I had built walls around my heart to protect myself and that in my . . . Read More

The Lord has had me on a journey toward freedom for the past couple of years. I began to have a “knowing” in my heart that I had built walls around my heart to protect myself and that in my relationship with God and with those I love the most, I had not really allowed myself to be completely open. This came to a head in the Breaking Free study when Beth Moore asked us to look at our family history and see what legacy had been passed on. I discovered then that the women in my family line are all very strong, independent women who work hard but are either emotionally a mess or emotionally absent. They had all experienced tragedy and their response was work hard and stuff it.

Through work with a peer counselor at the Eve Center and continued Bible study, I created a timeline of my life and wrote down all the difficult or tragic things I experienced and how they impacted the decisions I made in my life and shaped who I had become. I began to dig in to my own history and peel back the layers of each of those events in the hope that these wounds could be healed and I could love and accept love on a new level.

Over the past 3 months, God orchestrated some opportunities for me to work full force on these issues. For the past 3 months, every Tuesday morning I’ve been attending a class called “Motherless Daughters” a ministry created to support growth and healing for women who have lost the nurturing of their mother. On Wednesday mornings I have come to this Believing God Bible study. And recently in my Lifegroup, I participated in the Free study. It shows me how much God loves me and wants me to tear down the walls that I built up. The Motherless Daughters study revealed the grief and emptiness in my heart. The Free study revealed that I have been afraid of God because I have expected him to reject or abandon me. And the Believing God study has filled in those empty places with truth about who God is and who I am as His child.

Here’s what I’ve discovered about my past. Four generations of mothers and daughters (maybe more…that’s as far back as I’ve gone so far) experienced various forms of abuse and, in response, became strong, independent, but emotionally absent, women in order to survive. This is a part of the legacy in my family.

My mother experienced an absent father, a broken mother, sexual abuse at age 3 which remained a secret until she was 50. Her brother died at 8 years old of a sudden illness, her father died a couple of years later after a long, secret illness, her mother remarried a few years later a man who remained angry and mean his entire life. Possibly to escape all of this, and probably in search of love, my mom married at 18. At age 19, she had her first child. At 20, her second (me). Four months later, she had a miscarriage. Continually judged and demeaned by her own mother, she was completely unprepared and, I think, unequipped, to be a mother. What she really needed was the unconditional love of a mother for herself.

And so I grew up in a home where everything looked great in pictures, but internally much was wrong. I knew and feared (as in “was afraid of”) God. Our whole family attended church every week and followed all the rules. But still, our family was full of secrets. I only pieced my mother’s story together this past year and without her knowing. In a family of secrets, the history one tries so very hard to bury and forget repeats itself in the next generation. At age 12, I was molested by a family member. I told my mom the same evening and she, a woman who had never dealt with her own abuse, was unable to deal with mine. And so, to protect our family from the pain of the truth, I took back my words: when my mom asked me if was possible this event was only in my imagination, I said yes. That event started 20 years of me continuing the same destructive cycle. It began as:Needing love – being chosen by a victimizer and abused – hating myself – repeat and, in my 20s and 30s became: Needing love – choosing a victimize for a relationship and being abused – hating myself – repeat All of this led to many losses: the loss of self-care, self-trust, self-respect. The loss of innocence. The loss of my ability to bear children.

But the Lord continually pursued me, until 12 years ago when I knew I needed Him, that I couldn’t make a success of my life without Him. And He has continued to pursue and push me. These past 6 months, I believe He has worked a miracle—revealing all of this to me and setting me free from the guilt, shame, grief, and anger that were hidden in it. My past has no power over me anymore. Satan can no longer use it to control me. I have a long way to go, but I can say Praise God I am free of my past and all that happened to me and all that I did to myself. I am a living example of the miracle of a do-over, a fresh beginning.

I am beginning to feel like he’s preparing me to use these experiences to help others who are stuck like I was to see what is possible with God. Right now, all I want to do is tell people this: It is possible. He can do this. He did it with me.

The class has made me recognize now many other women are out there with similar circumstances as mine with their own mother that’s worse than mine.  This class has helped me organize my thoughts . . . Read More

The class has made me recognize now many other women are out there with similar circumstances as mine with their own mother that’s worse than mine.  This class has helped me organize my thoughts about just the certain ways her behavior has left a gap or hole in my personality. Taking this class has given me an opportunity to discuss with my son daughter and husband how my mother has been around me.  And to hear their responses has been somewhat surprising. It has also given me and my husband a chance to come together on seeing the ways she has affected our marriage. It has given me a better understanding of his viewpoint and how he also suffered.  Taking this class has helped me get clear about her behaviors towards me and how they affected me.  Taking this class has introduced me to five amazing women whom I hope to run into again.  Having taken this class has given me a better perspective and empathy for the other women in my life who say they had difficult mothers.

I’m so glad I was able to be in a group setting with some amazing women despite what we all have been through. I absolutely loved this class. It helped me out in so many ways. First of all, it . . . Read More

I’m so glad I was able to be in a group setting with some amazing women despite what we all have been through. I absolutely loved this class. It helped me out in so many ways. First of all, it helped me realize and be truthful to myself about feeling what I was dealing with. It also brought out so many emotions and how to try to deal with those emotions.

By taking this class, it was a start on a very important path on my way to healing. I am so grateful to have experienced this. Now I know how to deal with my feelings. It helped me learn and understand my mom better and to be patient with her and to try to work with her. This was a safe place – judgement free zone.

I was raised by 2 missing parents, as my mother took care of my physical needs only. I was emotionally abused and abandoned by both. My mother was critical, judgmental, and her eyes would reveal the . . . Read More

I was raised by 2 missing parents, as my mother took care of my physical needs only. I was emotionally abused and abandoned by both. My mother was critical, judgmental, and her eyes would reveal the anger that was trapped inside, but she rarely showed this anger. When she did, she threw darts with her words. It was always short and quick, but those darts were thrown straight for the heart and she was an excellent shot.

I was born with the job of making my parents happy. Everything was all about them because their mental illness caused them to play the role of the child. Appropriate displays of emotion were not received well by my mother because it made her uncomfortable. She told me many times that she couldn’t cry. When I expressed my hurt feelings, there was no comfort – just blame. My parents never thought of me first or the consequences that I would have to face because of their decisions. They were more important in their eyes. In order to receive their love, I had to fit their form, therefore, I never learned what unconditional love looked like.

One of my earliest memories was when I was 5 years old. I became sick and the doctor gave me penicillin. The shots gave me hives, and when I took the liquid form it always came right back up. Instead of calling the doctor, my parents forced me to take it. My mom would come with a spoonful of medicine in one hand and give me the pan to hold to throw up in. Of course, I didn’t want to take it, so I would cry. Because this display of emotion made her mad, she and my dad would gang up on me. My dad would go put his jacket on and threaten to take me to the hospital. That really scared me, so I took the medicine.

These kind of things went on all my life. At 17, I got saved and started going to a different church. My mother felt threatened any time I started showing independence. Shortly thereafter she told me that she didn’t love me as much as she used to. Later, she denied that she would ever say anything like that. Neither parent ever took responsibility for their behavior.

I was a very angry child and grew up into the same kind of adult. The slightest little thing brought anger. I became outspoken and would shock some of my friends (all Christians) at the things I said. Yet, they never wanted to hear anything negative about my parents or what I was going through. When I married at the young age of 20, I expected my husband to meet all the needs that my parents didn’t. I went from pastor, to counselor, to seminar, to books for years. In the 80’s, I went through 2 years of depression and became suicidal. I started seeing a psychiatrist that had me on so many pills at one point, I could hardly stay awake.

Although I stopped going to church because I just couldn’t feel anything anymore, Psalms became the only part of the Bible I would read. Because of something I read the night before, I decided to go to church the next day, and God miraculously delivered me from that depression. When I was prayed for, I could actually feel something loose from the bottom of my feet and fly out through the top of my head! That was an amazing experience! However, I still felt that I needed help to deal with my anger. In 2004, I decided I couldn’t live with it anymore. I knew the counselor I chose had to be a Christian, so I contacted Life Way. God matched me up with a wonderful Christian trauma counselor that was able to help me. I spent 6 years with her learning and dealing with my anger. I needed somebody to help me sort through all the issues my parents had placed in my life. God gave me wonderful visions of what His unconditional love looked like, and my life was changed. To this day, my therapist continues to help me as issues arise, due to the lack of life skills my parents gave me.

I have learned that no matter what your issues are – YOU CAN TRANSFORM!

My mother died in 1999, and I only grieved for what could have been. I have 2 sisters – one I haven’t seen since my father’s funeral in 2003. My other sister and I did pretty well until last summer when my parent’s legacy finally broke that relationship, too. Of course, I wish my family had been different. The pain from this dysfunction that comes in having a relationship with them can be so toxic and debilitating that I am relieved to remove it (not them) from my daily life. Unless God restores these relationships, I may never see them again, but I’m okay with that.

I heard about the MD ministry through Rivers Crossing Community Church last fall. When I heard about it, I knew it was something I needed to check out. What has been so amazing about this class is the people whom I have met and the support I’ve received. I never dreamed that God would bless me with people who actually can relate to what I’ve been through. I can’t explain what a blessing it is to finally have friends that understand and support me.

I have decided to become a mentor in this ministry. I want to share what I’ve learned and give people the hope and support that took me so long to find. Just to know somebody understands is so comforting. It makes the heaviness I feel from not being loved by those who were supposed to love me the most, a lot lighter.

I know I will always be on a journey, but each step towards healing I take, God improves my life. I know I can never change my family or my past, but what I can do is continue to walk toward health and God.

“….but one thing I do (it is my one aspiration): forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the the (supreme and heavenly) prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.” -Philippians 3:13 (Amplified)

Your past is always present when you carry it with you.

The biggest discovery I have realized is that the missing puzzle piece to my brain processing has been identified. It helps me to drill down to the root cause, to be able to stop and redirect my . . . Read More

The biggest discovery I have realized is that the missing puzzle piece to my brain processing has been identified. It helps me to drill down to the root cause, to be able to stop and redirect my thinking. I would blow it off and chalk it up to my incompetence and bow tie it with negative self-talk.

When I came to this, I learned that my sister and I are not alone. Others have lived this same or similar frustration of unmet expectations from their moms. The class has helped me see why I do some . . . Read More

When I came to this, I learned that my sister and I are not alone. Others have lived this same or similar frustration of unmet expectations from their moms. The class has helped me see why I do some of the things I do. It has helped me think about my own mothering and how I want to be intentional about being a good mom. I have learned some tools for healing my wounded heart.

Through my mother’s death, God has brought me unto himself and saved my life. The following is a brief look into how that came about. My relationship with my mother was dynamic in the fact that . . . Read More

Through my mother’s death, God has brought me unto himself and saved my life. The following is a brief look into how that came about. My relationship with my mother was dynamic in the fact that her use of prescription pills and alcohol at times forced me to be the mother while she was the child.

When she was under the influence, I had to feed, clothe, and send myself off to school; no supervision or love was given during those times. When my mother was clearheaded, she was wonderful and the most caring and involved mother she could be. I now know that my mother had her own mother loss through emotional neglect from the time she was born.

At the age of 53, my mother committed suicide; I was 30 years old. The event was both my worst nightmare and saving grace. When my mother died, I felt abandoned, neglected, betrayed, and vulnerable;all of which I had experienced in my childhood. Even though my relationship with my mother was an unhealthy one, I sought out friendships and family members to replace her. I HAD to fill that mother wound hole somehow. In turn, every person I came across had to validate me and show acceptance of me no matter the cost to myself.

Several years after my mother’s death, I knew I needed help. After several sessions with the counselor, I was referred to the Motherless Daughters Ministry. I have to say that is the point when God began to woo me and call me out of my dark past. The Motherless Daughters group I was in gave me a chance to explore my true feelings about my life with my mother. I came to realize that I truly had a crummy childhood, but God is a redeemer. God is so merciful. God protects the hurting and the broken, and God is our ONLY hope to break free of a haunting past.

I am now a graduate student at the University of Cincinnati and when possible I volunteer with the Motherless Daughters Ministry. The ministry is able to reach many broken women like me who are in need of a savior. God uses each of his redeemed to help and support people who are in this world alone and who seemingly have no hope. It is my testimony that lives can be changed through trial and suffering; in the end you come out a much stronger and better human being made in the image of the father above. The event was both my worst nightmare and saving grace.

One of the greatest things I learned in this class is that I am not alone in the mother loss experience. It has helped me be more courageous and vulnerable as I heard other women candidly share . . . Read More

One of the greatest things I learned in this class is that I am not alone in the mother loss experience. It has helped me be more courageous and vulnerable as I heard other women candidly share their stores. This class has helped me to explore the whys behind some areas of struggle in my life. It has been a time of uncovering childhood roots to problems I experience now as an adult. Finding the root is step one on the journey to resolving the issue.

As I’ve looked at my childhood experience with my mom, I’ve grieved, I’ve been angry, I’ve cried, and I’ve released a mix of anxiety and emotions and have come to experience greater peace. I’ve made progress and there is still more progress to be made. I’ve embraced that healing is a process and that any progress is to be celebrated.  Life is a journey to be lived on day at a time.

I did a lot of healing with the therapy work I’ve done for several years, but I am still struggling to stay happy and simply feel OK each day. The Emotionally Absent Mother class opened my eyes . . . Read More

I did a lot of healing with the therapy work I’ve done for several years, but I am still struggling to stay happy and simply feel OK each day. The Emotionally Absent Mother class opened my eyes to a much deeper level of hurt, heartache and loss that I’ve been carrying around with me my whole life. Even though I had a mom while growing up, she was only a faint presence in my childhood due to illness, injury and depression. This class made me realize how deep this emotional neglect goes and how badly it affected me. The small, intimate environment of the class enabled me to share my experience in a safe, supportive environment with others who knew exactly how I felt.  A bonding takes place with the others in the class, allowing you to take a look at the closed-off section of your heart, where the hurt hides. The class leaders know so much and have so much experience with this; they have great suggestions and insights for all types of situations. The class gave me a good start on processing just how much I was emotionally neglected as a child, how it affected me and how to hopefully begin healing.

I feel this class has opened my eyes to a new me. I was able to truly talk about my past with others who truly understand what it’s like to grow up in a home with an emotionally absent mother and . . . Read More

I feel this class has opened my eyes to a new me. I was able to truly talk about my past with others who truly understand what it’s like to grow up in a home with an emotionally absent mother and not feel judged . I’ve never met anyone besides my sisters who have experienced the same pain as me. Through the exercises and through reading the book I have grown tremendously. I’ve gained more wisdom and know that there is a better and more encouraging life out there and I don’t need my mother to change in order to receive this love. I hope I continue to grow and continue to help others along the way.

This class has been a very positive experience for me. I was reassured and validated that I was not crazy growing up. I know I am not alone in this journey. Other have walked in these same shoes, . . . Read More

This class has been a very positive experience for me. I was reassured and validated that I was not crazy growing up. I know I am not alone in this journey. Other have walked in these same shoes, some had experiences were worse and some better. It is time to leave the past behind and forgive my mom. I realize she probably was a motherless daughter also. I also see her issues were hers and not mine! I wish I had found this ministry in my 20’s. I wonder how my life would of been different. I plan to live the rest of my life to its fullest.

This class has given me HOPE, and a positive direction in life. I have learned to broaden my outlook . . . to understand that there are many, many more facets to life than I had understood . . . Read More

This class has given me HOPE, and a positive direction in life. I have learned to broaden my outlook . . . to understand that there are many, many more facets to life than I had understood previously.

It has been helpful to hear others’ stories, to understand that many people have dealt with dysfunction even worse than mine. I realize that we are all a selfish, broken people and God’s love and inspiration is sometimes the only thing that can carry us out of the brokenness of our lives and into a blessed, hopeful sight of better days to come.

This class has allowed me to see my potential in life! I pray that God would allow me to realize my fullest potential, to grow into and become all that HE means for me to be. The future is bright and exciting because of HIS love and faithfulness.  HE can take the tough stuff of my past life and help me to do good all for His kingdom.

I have learned a lot about myself and the relationship I had with my mother. Sharing our stories in the class has given me the strength to work on leaving the past behind. I have better . . . Read More

I have learned a lot about myself and the relationship I had with my mother. Sharing our stories in the class has given me the strength to work on leaving the past behind. I have better communication with my children. I am now looking forward to what the future holds for me. And I will accept any challenges along the way.  I am a fighter!

I had time, all the time on my hands to just sit and watch Momma die minute by minute in her hospital bed. You see, she had cancer for 3 years. I must admit that I had watched her die a little bit . . . Read More

I had time, all the time on my hands to just sit and watch Momma die minute by minute in her hospital bed. You see, she had cancer for 3 years. I must admit that I had watched her die a little bit every time I saw her since she was first diagnosed. She had her good days and her bad days…and honestly days I just don’t want to remember at all. I hated seeing her with cancer… I didn’t recognize Momma at all. Before cancer got a hold of her she had a way about her; you not only got to know her, but you had to almost experience her to appreciate all about who she was. The cancer took all of her excitement and passion for life away.

But, anyway, the day came where I chose to sit and cuddle at her feet, praying and hoping maybe she would know it was me and respond to me somehow. It wasn’t like when I was little where Momma would just spoon me and hold me. Those days I just wanted to get down and play. Ironically, I would give anything to have those days back and crawl into the warmth of her arms.

As I lay at her feet in the hospital bed, I just lay there listening to her breathe and an occasional groan. Was she trying to say something? Was she trying to say her last wish? What was she trying to convey? I so desperately wanted to hear her, and for her to come back to us…back to me! I wanted so badly to hear her voice tell me that she loved me just this one more time. Everyone came by to say good-bye. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. How do you say good-bye to your Momma? Your best friend? I just couldn’t…I wouldn’t.

Daddy said it was time to let her go. She was tired of fighting, but I was not ready to give up this fight. I wanted her to stay! How dare you take Momma off the meds to keep her alive? I had no control over anything! When I heard her start to choke on her phlegm that night, I ran down to the nurses’ station begging them to come save her. They placed a tube in her to clean her out. I think for the first time it was really coming true. These were Momma’s last days here on earth. Once again, I crawled up in bed with Momma…this time I got as close as I could to her face so I could just talk, pray and sing to her. I was hoping that if she heard my voice she would wake up and talk to me, although I knew deep down inside that wasn’t going to happen. I recited all the Bible verses that came to my mind. Morning came and she was still with us, but let’s be honest, she wasn’t. Her body was getting more swollen by the minute, and as I held my Momma’s hands I started to realize that I didn’t recognize them either. A part of me just wanted to run away as fast as I could, but another day passed with more people coming and going. I remember Neil whispering things in her ear. My brother always had the special touch of giving Momma the strength to come home from previous hospital stays. Could he possibly have that magic touch now and say something to bring her back to us?

Eventually, it was time for my flight to come back home to Cincinnati. I asked the doctor how much longer does she have with us. He had no answers… he said it could be hours, days, weeks, months. So, on that Sunday afternoon, I started to leave for my flight home. I knew I had to get home, for Caleb’s first day of Kindergarten was coming up and I had to meet his teacher. That gave me the reason I needed to leave the hospital and the reason to leave watching Momma slowly leave me on this earth. In the back of my mind I was still in denial, even though I had spent the last 3 days just watching her slowly die right in front of my very own eyes.

I started to leave the room and head home. My Aunt Martha asked me if I was going to say good-bye to Momma and give her a hug and kiss. I eventually did, but the kind of goodbye you do when you know you are just going away and will be back for another visit. But, the truth is I never did get another visit with Momma. She died that Tuesday afternoon and I wasn’t there. I was so very hurt by this, since I wanted to be the one that held Momma when she took her last breaths. God says He only gives us what we can bear. Apparently, He knew I couldn’t bear it. I must go on blind faith on this one. I spoke at her funeral about how she is now at peace with God and no longer fighting cancer. People always speak of memories, but those memories were mine to keep in my heart. As the days turned into months and months turned into years, I look back at my days with Momma, some good, some bad, but they are mine. I will share certain memories with those who I trust. Although it seems like yesterday she left and went to Heaven, there is a part of me that seems like it has been forever. Some days I can’t even remember her voice at all, and all I can remember is her singing “Kumbaya” while wrapped up in her arms both as a child and as an adult. Time does heal all wounds, but as with all wounds lies a scar. That scar of Momma’s last few days will always be a part of who I am.

I am in a constant state of awe at how the Lord has protected and provided for me growing up the way I did.  The fact that a class so specific to my exact needs is offered at my church right when I . . . Read More

I am in a constant state of awe at how the Lord has protected and provided for me growing up the way I did.  The fact that a class so specific to my exact needs is offered at my church right when I needed it is nothing short of divine. We were created for community and this ministry has created a community for motherless daughters who felt alone and unwanted.  I am especially grateful to Mary Ellen who obediently tended to Jesus’ flock who were broken and without a voice.  I am also grateful for Cathy for her gentleness and advice.  This class has given me tools I can actually use.

Thank you will never be enough. At the point where I needed this retreat the most … you were all there to scoop me up. I will forever be indebted to the MDM and the experience and all of you are . . . Read More

Thank you will never be enough. At the point where I needed this retreat the most … you were all there to scoop me up. I will forever be indebted to the MDM and the experience and all of you are engraved on my heart. I know I’ve made some strong connections and I plan to cherish those and never let go. I know now that I will never “get over” my loss, but I find peace now in knowing I am not alone and have a strong support system. Before this weekend… I always thought I was doing something “wrong” and was weak by remaining sad, angry, and hurt. But I have learned that those feelings WILL creep in and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s about how we lift ourselves up and continue that makes us STRONG. Tears, sadness, and dark days happen. But smiles, happiness about sunny days are bound to follow.

I have never seen a group bond so quickly in my life. Amazing. It was life-changing. As with the other two participants in my small group, we dropped so much hurt and sorrow and anger and mourning . . . Read More

I have never seen a group bond so quickly in my life. Amazing. It was life-changing. As with the other two participants in my small group, we dropped so much hurt and sorrow and anger and mourning and relationship issues that we were carrying.  So good for the soul, all that green, and all those trees and all those birds singing amazing songs and the beautifully manicured lawns and the statues — O! And um … the river …  Appreciated the box of things in the bathroom. Added a homey touch in the institutional bathroom.  Felt like a monk, which is exactly how I wanted to feel; totally focused. Even liked the fact there was no Wi-Fi in the room for that reason – away from the day-to-day world.

My earliest memories of my mom are of her smiling. I remember that she gave fantastic hugs.She also fought with my dad, a lot. For every warm memory I have of being “little”, there is also one . . . Read More

My earliest memories of my mom are of her smiling. I remember that she gave fantastic hugs.She also fought with my dad, a lot. For every warm memory I have of being “little”, there is also one of my mom and dad arguing loudly (sometimes violently). Despite their troubled marriage, my parents were very loving toward me, especially when I was very young.

When I was about 10, my father was indicted for tax crimes. He and my mother lost so much (their business and our home). Although they’d both always been “drinkers”, my mom started drinking more. She continued to be there for me as much as she could, but on some level I started to understand that I needed to take care of her. As alcoholism began to consume more of her, an eerie quiet developed between she and my dad. There was no more fighting, but there were also very few smiles and hugs. I knew she loved me and was proud of me, but I struggled to understand the situation she was in with my dad. She became more and more reclusive and discouraged me from having friends. She wanted me at home at all times. She lost interest in doing things together. My older sister began to act in Mom’s place; she helped me pick out my prom dress and she was the one I talked to about boys. At this point, I had lost my mom in the sense that she no longer mothered me.

After I left for college, Mom really began to decline. When I would come home for visits, I would find the house to be a complete mess (she had previously been a neat freak). She refused to go anywhere or be involved in anything. I couldn’t even have friends over to the house. I was hurt and angry at the person she was becoming. I also began to realize how much emotional damage she’d done to me over the years. Part of me was so sad and wanted so much to help her, and part of me knew that everything I did to help her enabled her to continue on drinking her life away. I became very angry with her.

Our relationship continued to be strained as I entered graduate school. My father left her and she had nothing left physically or emotionally to rebuild her life with. I wanted her so badly to find some peace and happiness, but anger at my father consumed her final years.Her health really began to decline after my father left her. She had severe osteoporosis (due to years of drinking and not taking care of herself). She was in constant pain and had to move in with my grandmother after fracturing her hip.

As I finished graduate school, I fell in love with and became engaged to my husband, Jason. Mom had no interest in the wedding, though she liked Jason. She considered being married to be a prison sentence. I was to move right after the wedding to Kentucky, and I worried about what would happen to her.

My wedding date was set for January 18th, 2003. On January 1st, she called me to tell me that she’d talked it over with God and that He’d told her she wouldn’t have to suffer much longer. I asked her to please not say things like that (I was thinking she just didn’t want to come to the wedding). Two days later, I got a call from my grandmother that my mom had been taken by ambulance to the hospital and that things were really bad. I drove the 4 hours home to see her.

We knew she was taking medications for her osteoporosis; what we didn’t know is that she was taking them with alcohol. Over time, the medication had eaten a hole in her esophagus. She died of a massive esophageal bleed. She was on life support when I got there and my sister and I, after discussing it with her doctors, decided to remove life support. She passed quickly thereafter.

Two weeks later, I was married and a week after that I was living in a new place with my new husband and a new job. It was a difficult transition. At this point, I’d lost her in the physical sense, yet I still longed for the mom I’d always wished she could be. I dealt with such a mix of emotions: anger that she was gone, relief that I didn’t have to worry about her anymore, desperation to know that she had really loved me. After all, if she really loved me, how could she have chosen alcohol over me?

It was about 3 years later that I took the Motherless Daughters class. When I first began the class, all I knew was that I was angry at her. I had forgotten all that was good about her. After a lot of healing from the Lord, I now can see her as a child of God that He loves. I’ve come more to understand the factors that drove her to alcoholism, and that has allowed me to forgive her. It’s been a long process, but I’m happy to say that I can now look back on the good times with her and smile.

My personal deliverance from writing the screw tape letters.  Can’t say enough about the screw tape exercise! This was an eye . . . Read More

My personal deliverance from writing the screw tape letters.  Can’t say enough about the screw tape exercise! This was an eye opener!!

I needed to be alone from the distractions and duties of world and day-to-day life to examine me and to get correction for me and to evaluate me as to why I had feeling of being not only different, . . . Read More

I needed to be alone from the distractions and duties of world and day-to-day life to examine me and to get correction for me and to evaluate me as to why I had feeling of being not only different, but not equipped on levels the way others are. I needed to submit and give back to me for the first time in my life.

I knew I lost the [her] body at age 19 and never knew I never had a mother.  I was the 0-6 group and this was ok.  Thank You Lord that it was not me all along. I always knew this, but the confirmation was my most healing of the weekend. This was the biggest tool the devil has been able to use against me my entire life, but no more, he is truly defeated. I realized my brother also was under-mothered. I am still in WOW over this.

My small group was amazing on another level. We connected, strengthened encouraged and cried with each other’s breakthroughs, a little bit of heaven on earth. 

I am truly changed. This has released me from the bondage I have been in for 571/2 years. I am moving forward in all areas of my life as I had always been told it was me by my Mother who was the problem, but I do not accept this anymore as I have the facts to reveal the why and I now have confirmation it was not me, but my Mother who could not give to me from an empty vault. I have stood for years on the promises of Jesus saying from the time I discovered I was to be a Mother, I would not as was done to me and I have not. I have claimed to be a generational curse breaker, strongholds and chains and standing firm for my children and family. I believed this, but now I understand how powerful this statement was and is now. God has prepared me for such a time as this through my journey to be used to lead others to healing.

This 12 week Motherless Daughters class has been wonderful and I hate to see it end.  I have been on this journey with three wonderful women who understand me, accept me and allow me to be me . . . Read More

This 12 week Motherless Daughters class has been wonderful and I hate to see it end.  I have been on this journey with three wonderful women who understand me, accept me and allow me to be me without judging.  It is a relief to be in a setting where I am understood.  This course has allowed me to understand that what I am feeling is normal and ok.  It has allowed me to look at myself and my Mom as individuals and in our mother/daughter relationship.  It has allowed me to consider my past, present and future.  I have to remember to give myself grace and remember to care of myself.

I still have a huge hole to heal, but I have hope.  This hope has allowed the healing to start.  This class has laid a firm foundation for me as I move forward in my journey to find my new normal and my new life.

This class has given me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and create boundaries.  Mary Ellen, my prayer partner, and my classmates have been an invaluable support.  I feel like I’m . . . Read More

This class has given me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and create boundaries.  Mary Ellen, my prayer partner, and my classmates have been an invaluable support.  I feel like I’m still grieving but it’s moved to the back seat.

In January 2000, some people were breathing signs of relief that they made it to the new millennium and that the hype of “Y2K” never occurred. Computers were still working, and life seemed to go . . . Read More

In January 2000, some people were breathing signs of relief that they made it to the new millennium and that the hype of “Y2K” never occurred. Computers were still working, and life seemed to go on as normal. I was 17 years old and a senior in high school in Northeast Ohio. My world consisted of school work and getting ready to enroll in college in the fall. Within one week, though, major changes took place in my world.

In one week’s time, my family attended my grandmother’s funeral (she passed away from breast cancer), and my mom had major surgery because she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I remember wishing I could go back to my “normal” life as a regular high school student, but this was my new normal. I remember being angry at God – If He was a loving God, how would He allow cancer to take the life of my grandma and then make us watch my mom suffer from the same disease? If He was all-powerful, then why didn’t He heal them? I grew up in a Christian home, going to church every Sunday with my parents and my younger brother (my 3 older siblings lived in other parts of the U.S.), but at the time I felt so distant from God.

In the fall of 2000, I moved away from home to attend college to pursue my dream of becoming a teacher. I made the 2 hour trip home when I could, but I had to have faith that God would watch over my mom as she was going through chemo and radiation treatments.

I graduated in December 2003 with a degree in Early Childhood Education and moved back home to substitute teach for a few months. I was blessed to get a long term subbing position at the same school where my mom taught 3rd grade. It was great going to work with her each day and then sharing our teaching experiences at night. After subbing for several months, I was offered a full time teaching position in the Cincinnati area. I felt God was calling me to move, but at the same time I didn’t know anyone (it was 4.5 hours away from home), and my mom’s health was starting to decline. I prayed about it, and decided that I would take a huge leap of faith and move to Cincinnati. While it helped knowing that my Dad was such a wonderful caregiver for my mom, it was still a difficult move to make.

From 2000 – 2009, my mom bravely battled breast cancer. She kept detailed notes of every test, doctor’s appointment, treatment, etc… She researched new treatments, and had basically every type of chemo and radiation available to her. We went from one test result to the next, hoping and praying that the next treatment would be effective. Unfortunately, my mom’s cancer continued to spread to her bones and other major organs. It’s heartbreaking seeing someone you love suffer and knowing that you can’t take away their pain. I hated feeling helpless. My mom didn’t complain about her situation, though. Instead, she sought out and encouraged others she knew who were also battling cancer. She also spent hours knitting blankets for others. My mom may have been short in stature, but she had a huge heart.

Over the years I watched the effects of cancer on my mom’s body, but as her body became weaker, her faith grew stronger. Devotionals were part of her daily routine. Many times she fought through the side effects of chemo to attend church related functions and family events. Her love of God never wavered and seeing that helped strengthen my faith.

My mom spent the last week of her life in a hospital, and my family was once again by her side. I’ve never seen someone endure so much pain and suffering, but I remember that it was incredible to see how much peace my mom had about everything. She told us she was ready to go home (heaven) when God was ready for her. At one point she even shared with my uncle and I, “I believe everyone is going to be healed. Some just aren’t healed on Earth. It’s just like it says in Ecclesiastes – there’s a time for everything. This is not the end, but it’s only the beginning. I want you to read a book by Randy Alcorn called Heaven. I just want you to have the same hope I have.” It was an amazing sight to witness my mom share her faith with my uncle. She also shared with us what verses she wanted read at her funeral and the songs she wanted played. My mom had been anticipating her homecoming, and all of the verses/songs portrayed God’s comfort and a sense of hope. On March 23, 2009, at age 63, my mom went home after a nine year battle with cancer.

Since my mom passed away I’ve learned to no longer take the little moments in life for granted. I’ve also learned to look for blessings in the midst of adversity, just like my mom did. Blessings are all around…sometimes we just have to look a little bit harder to see them.

I completed the Motherless Daughters class back in November 2009, and I’m so thankful for this ministry and all of the support it has given me. Because of the class, I realized how blessed I am to have had such a wonderful relationship with my mom for 26 years. It made me appreciate my family so much more, especially my Dad. He showed me what it truly means to love and care for someone in sickness and in health, and that has given me a glimpse of what God’s love is for me.

I look forward to the day when I’m reunited with my grandma, my mom, and other loved ones, but in the meantime I know God has a purpose for me. Each of us has a story, and God can use our stories to accomplish incredible things. Through them He can bring comfort, peace, understanding, strength, hope, and healing. We may be motherless daughters, but when God speaks through our stories it reminds us that we’ll always have a loving Father.

I had already begun the process of letting Him into those broken places that mother had caused. This class helped me to keep walking in that direction.  I’m learning to experience Him more . . . Read More

I had already begun the process of letting Him into those broken places that mother had caused. This class helped me to keep walking in that direction.  I’m learning to experience Him more tenderly and gently.

The content of the class was helpful, but the people in the class are what really touched my heart. I took comfort in knowing I was not alone in this journey. It was a blessing to have such a small . . . Read More

The content of the class was helpful, but the people in the class are what really touched my heart. I took comfort in knowing I was not alone in this journey. It was a blessing to have such a small class, to get to know other women who are in the midst of similar situations with their mother and to get their insights on my situation. And it has been such a gift to have such amazing facilitators who have opened their hearts to us and are helping to guide us through this journey with our mothers.

Motherless Daughters Ministry changed everything.  I learned more about trauma, grief and healing.  I learned how to fix things that went wrong in my grief . . . Read More

Motherless Daughters Ministry changed everything.  I learned more about trauma, grief and healing.  I learned how to fix things that went wrong in my grief journey.

Forgiveness: An Ongoing Process I have been making peace with my mom one little step at a time for many years. Recently, I realized I have become stuck, vacillating between anger and acceptance. . . . Read More

Forgiveness: An Ongoing Process

I have been making peace with my mom one little step at a time for many years. Recently, I realized I have become stuck, vacillating between anger and acceptance. After a time of anger and resentment, I’d work to a place of comfortable acceptance of her abilities and disabilities when it comes to showing love. And then I would have a visit with her and the feelings of rejection would hit me hard, leading to my symptoms of anger — overeating, exhaustion, depression. The week following our visit last Thanksgiving, I slept an unheard of 12 hours each night and gained 13 pounds!

Once I realized I have become stuck, I also realized that I cannot repeat this cycle anymore. I am simply sick of the energy it takes from me.

At dinner with a caring group of Christian women, one friend explained “kairos moments” to me— kairos is a Greek word meaning “opportune time.” At a kairos moment, we have the opportunity to make a change that will bring us more in line with the life God is intending for us. “But when you keep hitting the same bump in the road—the same kairos moment,” she said, “it often means there is a need for repentance.”

I felt my guard go up at the word “repentance” because, while I’m certainly far from where I’d like to be in my life as a Believer, I truly don’t know of anything I need to repent of when it comes to my relationship with my mother. I was aware that my guard had gone up, so I knew there was something deep within me that made me want to run and hide. At this stage of age and life, I know the signs. There was something God wanted me to learn.

On the drive home from that dinner, I prayed to God to tell me what it was He wanted me to know, to learn, to do. I wanted to do it and be able to move on from the
cycle I’d been caught in for so long. I drove the long way home, waiting for His answer. Should I turn on the radio? I prayed. Maybe You want to speak to me through a song? But instead a small set of lyrics popped into my mind: “Show me how to love the unlovable. Show me how to reach the unreachable.” I knew I had heard the lyrics, but I couldn’t remember more of the song. I guess You want me to love Mom no matter how she treats me, I prayed. That makes sense. That’s honor.

But when I arrived home, I still felt unsettled and so I pulled out my iPad and Googled the lyrics. My answer immediately appeared: Forgiveness. It’s a song by Matthew West and the answer to my question, “What do I need to know, to learn, to do?”

I jumped right in. That’s my personality. Once I have the go-ahead, I bulldoze my way through and get it done. That Sunday I stepped forward during my church service and asked a pastor to pray for me because I wanted to forgive my mom and need God’s help to do it. “How long ago was the situation that you are forgiving her for?” he asked. I did the quick math and answered, “Thirty-three years.” It shocked me to realize that a lifetime had passed as I held on to my unforgiveness. I prayed to God to forgive me for refusing to let Him take care of this before that day. I repented. I felt forgiven. I felt free.

The Christmas visit with my family a couple of months later was fun. For the first time in many years, I was excited to see my parents and siblings and to know about the people and events in their lives. I realized when I left that what had changed to make this visit different was me. God had loosened the resentment that was in me, and I was able to enjoy my family without expectations.

I was caught off guard, then, when the relationship problems between my mom and me reared their head a few months later. I had explained at Christmas that my husband and I didn’t plan to attend my family’s big Easter celebration. My oldest son has ADHD and big events like the one they had planned cause his behavior issues to increase. My parents don’t have experience with special needs and prefer for children to behave like little adults. The Easter celebration would not be good for my parents’ opinion of my son, which meant it would most likely lead to hurtful comments and I would become resentful once again. My mom appeared hurt when I told her we wouldn’t be coming, but, after I explained our reasoning—that big events get my kids so excited they act negatively and I’d prefer a normal visit sometime soon when we can all spend positive time together playing and visiting— she seemed to understand why we chose to stay home for the holiday.

In late March she began calling to convince me that we should come, that all my siblings would be there, and that one sibling thought we weren’t coming because of him. I tried not to let the drama pull me in while I set about fixing any misunderstandings that had occurred. I called my brother and explained to him the reason we weren’t coming; I promised my mom that I would come to visit for Mother’s Day; and I stuck to my guns about Easter.

A couple of weeks later, my mom called to set up a visit. “I feel bad that your kids will miss out on the big Easter party, so your Dad and I are driving down to bring them Easter gifts and to visit. We’ll stay at a hotel, but we’ll have one whole afternoon and evening to visit as well as the next day until after lunch.” I ignored the dig about my kids missing out on the big Easter party and looked forward to their visit.

On the day they came, I cleared my calendar as much as possible so we’d have plenty of time to spend together. They arrived just as my sons were finishing kindergarten and preschool for the day. I wanted my mom to see that my older son had learned to read since she’d last seen him. Despite his ADHD and other special needs, he was proving to do well in school and was well-liked in his class. My younger son was writing his name now and had become much less shy around strangers. I was so proud of both my sons.

Unfortunately, after only six hours with us, my parents left for their four hour drive home. I could see it coming. It became clear little by little in the short time they spent with us. As my son read his book aloud to Grandma, he grew distracted between pages — starting unrelated conversations with her or leaving the room to see what his brother was doing. As I used the techniques I’ve learned to regain his attention and focus, I saw her shut down, disapproval in her expression as she stared out the window into our back yard. When my son leaned heavily onto his grandfather’s arm to look at the dinosaur book Grandpa was reading to himself, I saw my father push him away with a gruff “move over!” When my son asked, “Grandpa, will you play with me?” I watched to see my dad’s reaction: my father stood up and walked outside, ignoring my son.

By the time my daughters returned home from school and my husband from work, my parents were ready to eat a quick dinner and get on the road to the hotel. They told us that they decided to get home before lunch the next day and that it made more sense to get a hotel somewhere on the way home instead of nearby us. I was not surprised. I was, however, hurt. Again.

My husband took the kids out for a while so I could have time for a private cry. As soon as the minivan left the driveway, I ran to our bathroom and knelt on the floor, sobbing explosively. “Lord, why? This was their idea! They say they want to be with us and then when they are they can’t wait to get away. I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!” Even during my crying I wondered exactly what it is that I hate. The best answer I could come up with: rejection.

The next day, my mom called to tell me that they had made it home safely. Sensing some openness on her part, I commented on what a short visit they had for such a long drive and asked what I had been wanting to ask for a long time, “Don’t you…like…us?” After a pause, she assured me that they love us. “But I’ll be honest with you. Your son upsets me. He doesn’t need to act like that.” We had an honest but polite conversation about ADHD and how it presents itself in my son’s case; she affirmed their decision to keep their visits with us short at this point in their lives; and I thanked her for at least telling me how she felt.

That night, I climbed into bed early, exhausted from rerunning the conversation in my mind throughout the day. Slipping way down under the covers and curling in a fetal position, I asked my Father, “Why is this happening? I thought I forgave her. Why can’t she love us as we are? Why do I have to feel hurt all over again?” I knew the answer immediately. Seventy times seven times I will need to forgive her. And in the process of this forgiveness that is ongoing and not the one-and-done that I imagined it would be, I will be healed. The healing, I realize now, will also be ongoing and not the one-and done that I want it to be.

Frankly, this is not the news I want. But it feels true to the depth of me. This is the type of forgiveness Jesus knew and did and taught. And while I am slower than I want to be in seeing His footprints, I know that it is only His footprints in which I want to walk. This kind of forgiveness, therefore, is what I want to know, to learn, to do. And I will continue learning and healing with each tiny step I take following Him.

If you would have told me even a couple years ago I would be sitting in a class called Motherless Daughters I would not believe you. I would not have ever considered myself to be a “Motherless . . . Read More

If you would have told me even a couple years ago I would be sitting in a class called Motherless Daughters I would not believe you. I would not have ever considered myself to be a “Motherless Daughter.” I knew I had difficulties in my relationship with my mom through the years, but I would not have called myself “motherless.” From the outside looking in on my family growing up most people would be jealous to have a mom like mine. Some of my friends were. My mother was very involved in my life always. She took me everywhere, was PTA president, worked at the schools, was my girl scout leader, went to all my dance practices and recitals, was always buying me things, was at my house helping when both of my sons were born, and is a very involved grandmother even today. I always felt confused and like something was wrong with me because I felt like I wanted to get away from my mom, it felt like I wanted to crawl into a shell and hide around her, I did not REALLY feel loved by her, and I always felt I had this deep mom brokenness in my heart ever since I can remember. (more…)

I turned 26 this past June. I still have very vivid memories as a 9 year old girl. Insecure. Broken. Longing. Alone. Lost. I needed someone. Anyone. To lead me and guide me. To tell me I meant . . . Read More

I turned 26 this past June. I still have very vivid memories as a 9 year old girl. Insecure. Broken. Longing. Alone. Lost. I needed someone. Anyone. To lead me and guide me. To tell me I meant something, that I was precious and valuable. Loved. My mom wasn’t available. She didn’t see me. She didn’t see that I had those needs. I had to have it all together at 9. Take care of yourself I learned. Be strong. Be tough. Make everybody happy. Keep everybody happy. I was working all the time. No rest. 

I grew up. I had friendships and romantic relationships. I went to college. I became a nurse. I thought I was ok. I did my best. But I couldn’t shake that 9 yr. old girl. I could see her all the time. I could feel her pain all the time. I finally sat down and listened. I let her break. I let me break. I was so afraid. Afraid that I wouldn’t come back together again. It was rough. It is rough. 

I have been blessed. To have a relationship with Jesus. To have him walk me tenderly through all this pain. To lead me to places like motherless daughters where other women walk with me through this pain. I have met amazing women. Women who get me. Who understand me and affirm me. This little group that meets on Thursdays has exceeded my expectations. 

As I come to the end of this 12 week Journey, I’m excited. I’m ready to keep healing. To keep growing and becoming. All that I can be. I believe that’s possible now. I can see it up ahead. My prayer for myself and everyone who walked through this 12 weeks is that we would believe with all our hearts, that our mothers failures don’t have a say in who we are and who we can be. I pray that as we grow we forgive them, find freedom, and set them free.

The Road to Forgiveness has profoundly affected me. The material was brand new to me and so needed. I feel so much lighter and looking forward to what’s to come. People were real, . . . Read More

The Road to Forgiveness has profoundly affected me. The material was brand new to me and so needed. I feel so much lighter and looking forward to what’s to come. People were real, honest, and appreciative of each other.

I had guilt going to church the past few months. I felt numb. My heart has softened and I’m going to church now.

In the Road to Forgiveness I found a group of women who really listen, a deeper exploration of our reality towards grief and it helped to really see who is/is not my support system so I can work on . . . Read More

In the Road to Forgiveness I found a group of women who really listen, a deeper exploration of our reality towards grief and it helped to really see who is/is not my support system so I can work on this more.

This class (The Road to Forgiveness) keeps me honest with myself, teaches me that it is necessary to forgive others and myself.  Also, most importantly, letting go of what angers . . . Read More

This class (The Road to Forgiveness) keeps me honest with myself, teaches me that it is necessary to forgive others and myself.  Also, most importantly, letting go of what angers me.

This class helped me remain parallel with my faith and journey. Letting go of what happened in the past and not allowing these events to shape my future is important.  Trusting God is so important than living in constant fear.

This class was challenging to me because I had to talk about areas in my life that I was not able to talk about. I was always shut down or felt no one really understood my situation. My feelings are important but I do feel I do not have to have my family’s validation.  Most importantly, I have to trust myself first and my choices.  Their opinions are theirs and I will be okay.

Having taken The Journey class and the Emotionally Absent Mother, I knew I was dealing with deep grief and tried to forgive in hopes of healing these wounds.  I have not found a way that . . . Read More

Having taken The Journey class and the Emotionally Absent Mother, I knew I was dealing with deep grief and tried to forgive in hopes of healing these wounds.  I have not found a way that felt complete so this class (The Road to Forgiveness) caught my interest.

As a child of a narcissist, I realize the damage and ongoing challenges since there is no finite event as when someone dies.  My process will be ongoing and finding healthier ways to cope as the dance of a dysfunctional family will be.  Now I can choose what steps I will take or to sit it out and not dance.

Being a narcissistically wounded person, I have realized I never felt safe, loved or accepted but being in this class I felt they understood.  Any kind word was like a salve to my deep pain.

For years, I worked on forgiving them.  In class, I realized I never forgave myself.  Deep down I took the messages of cutting ties with family as blame.  How could I keep punishing myself wanting to be in touch with those who hurt me?  It felt like “my fault.”  I realize now it’s not.  All children want their parents no matter what.  Those who lost parents would give anything for one more day.  I needed to forgive myself for being human and wanting human connection.  It’s not my fault either.

Because of the Motherless Daughters Ministry I know that I am not alone in this journey – I have a huge network of women to belong to. I know now that I can be angry at or hate her behavior . . . Read More

Because of the Motherless Daughters Ministry I know that I am not alone in this journey – I have a huge network of women to belong to. I know now that I can be angry at or hate her behavior without hating my mom. I am part of the ministry by giving back. My talents are needed and appreciated.

The Motherless Daughters Ministry caused me to think about and recognize that my mom was a motherless daughter too. It helped me to realize that I have many positive traits, blessings, and abilities . . . Read More

The Motherless Daughters Ministry caused me to think about and recognize that my mom was a motherless daughter too. It helped me to realize that I have many positive traits, blessings, and abilities despite my dysfunctional childhood. I also now understand that it’s ok for me to be angry. I don’t need to feel guilty or selfish for feeling that way.

I really felt led to take the Motherless Daughter’s class back in the summer. I knew it was the next step in my journey of healing. I had no idea how powerful these 12 weeks would be. Yes, this . . . Read More

I really felt led to take the Motherless Daughter’s class back in the summer. I knew it was the next step in my journey of healing. I had no idea how powerful these 12 weeks would be. Yes, this was a time where mourning and pain took place but it was also a time of comfort. I felt so comforted in my pain. I felt like I wasn’t alone and that gave me strength to continue to face and embrace the loss of my mother. I cannot think of a time where I felt so encouraged. So filled with hope, week after week. It’s amazing how pain can bring people together. I felt like these women knew me and loved me, even after a short time. I think if you are afraid to take this class, know that you will not be on the journey alone. The women in your class will be with you every step of the way. You will feel your burden, that heavy weight of sorrow, being carried amongst all of you. You will not be left to yourself. You will not be left alone in the pain to figure it out, to find your way. Take the step of faith. It will be worth it.

The classes have nourished my soul. I’ve been able to dig deep – unbury the hurt and deal with it. It’s been a healing . . . Read More

The classes have nourished my soul. I’ve been able to dig deep – unbury the hurt and deal with it. It’s been a healing journey.

I’ve seen tremendous growth and healing in myself – it has been very difficult, but at the same time, very rewarding. I’m thankful God moved me here to participate in this. I am more . . . Read More

I’ve seen tremendous growth and healing in myself – it has been very difficult, but at the same time, very rewarding. I’m thankful God moved me here to participate in this. I am more Christ-like because of it. I never thought these changes would be possible but they are with the help of this ministry.

I have worked through some of my grieving and mourning and that alone has helped me work through some struggles I’ve carried since my mother’s death. I feel better knowing that I’m not alone . . . Read More

I have worked through some of my grieving and mourning and that alone has helped me work through some struggles I’ve carried since my mother’s death. I feel better knowing that I’m not alone in what I have felt and gone through. I feel that knowing and understanding that in the future I may experience downs with mother loss, will make it easier to cope through the down moments, and now I have tools that will help me through those moments.

I have been asked many times to share my story of mother loss. I can hardly tell my story without going back in time and reliving it. That has been so many years ago and yet it is as fresh as a . . . Read More

I have been asked many times to share my story of mother loss. I can hardly tell my story without going back in time and reliving it. That has been so many years ago and yet it is as fresh as a first winter snow. I cannot talk about my story of mother loss without talking about the loss of “who I was”, and the birth of the Motherless Daughter Ministry since all of these are so interconnected.

So I shall begin…I know what it is like to be a motherless daughter. My mother died from breast cancer when I was 15 years old. Little did I know then how this profound event would affect me. Not only was my personality shaped, but my entire being – my relationships, my parenting, my decision making, how and who I love – everything! At 15, I put my grief aside and went on with my life. Isn’t that the way most of us handle significant emotional events in our lives?

Thirty-five years later I began to mourn the loss of my mother. My parents had divorced when I was 10, and then my mother died of breast cancer when I was 15. My father was physically absent, so emotionally and psychologically, I was on my own at 15. My loss and unresolved grief left a “hole in my soul” that I constantly was trying to fill with achievement, self-sufficiency, and success. I was addicted to achievement. We all have some kind of “addiction” that we use to soothe ourselves. I grew to be a competent, professional business woman, a registered nurse, a small business owner, and a college professor. I was always working.

I did not know until 1990 that I had a congenital defect in my brain, called a Chiari Malformation, which would end up changing my life. I began to experience a host of symptoms that affected my everyday life. Among those symptoms was loosing the ability to balance myself to walk. I became disabled. I used a walker. I had visual problems among a myriad of other symptoms. The only sense that seemed to increase was my hearing. The volume was turned up. By 1999, I experienced my first brain surgery to relieve the debilitating symptoms. It was marginally successful. I could not work. Because my work had defined me, I did not know who I was. I felt as if the old me died and I was a stranger in my body. The changes in my life forced me to emotionally deal with all the losses from this surgery. I sought out counseling. Through counseling, I began to uncover losses that I was experiencing. As I peeled back the layers, I discovered my “core loss” was the unresolved grief of losing my mother at age 15. I had put my grief away and thought that I could just go on. After all, my mother had died 35 years earlier.

When I signed up for this class, I didn’t expect it to be easy. I did expect it to be very emotional. First, I am struck by how working with a small group has impacted me. I am usually not . . . Read More

When I signed up for this class, I didn’t expect it to be easy. I did expect it to be very emotional.

First, I am struck by how working with a small group has impacted me. I am usually not comfortable in groups and resist them, but being in this small group has given me a sense of community, accountability and sisterhood. Being with others who are sharing their innermost pain has been a humbling experience and in some ways, caused me to think that my experience was perhaps not as bad as others.

At times I found the homework exercises daunting and often didn’t start them until Thursday. Since I didn’t want to let the group down, I pushed through. To my surprise, I found that the exercise wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be and found myself “taking off” with it. Most of all, the exercises did expose thoughts and feelings that I have never verbalized and certainly never shared. And forcing myself through them taught me a lesson about stepping out of my comfort zone – things aren’t really as scary as I thought they would be. And that trying something different can be rewarding.

I have also gained acceptance of my mother being who she is. By actually writing her story down, a lot of things started to make sense – not that it made them okay – but I feel like I understand her a little bit more. I am so grateful that this has occurred while she is still alive and has helped me to actually appreciate her in some ways.

I realize I have said this over and over, but sharing the feelings and slights that I have struggled with over the years, has really taken a lot of power away from them. They have made me who I am today, and while I am not perfect, I am starting to allow myself to take credit for my accomplishments and successes.

Of course, the struggle will continue. Not just with EAM (emotional absent mother) issues but numerous life issues. This class has taught me and provided tools that will help me deal with them in a better, more kind-to-myself manner.

I do not have anger towards my mother, I am forgiving her. It has made me understand where my patterns and thoughts originate. I have tools to prepare myself to be a better mom to my future . . . Read More

I do not have anger towards my mother, I am forgiving her. It has made me understand where my patterns and thoughts originate. I have tools to prepare myself to be a better mom to my future kids.

It’s helped better my relationship with my husband. It’s made me a better mom, by helping me to see my past reactions as mother loss issues. It helped me to get out of my dark place and start . . . Read More

It’s helped better my relationship with my husband. It’s made me a better mom, by helping me to see my past reactions as mother loss issues. It helped me to get out of my dark place and start seeing the world again.

Powerful, strong, unpredictable, variable, stormy, sunny, brutal, torrential, fair; it is hard to describe my mother without sounding like a weather forecast. She was not unlike Cincinnati weather; . . . Read More

Powerful, strong, unpredictable, variable, stormy, sunny, brutal, torrential, fair; it is hard to describe my mother without sounding like a weather forecast. She was not unlike Cincinnati weather; if you don’t like it, just wait a bit and it will change. My mom was fiercely intelligent, creative, charismatic, inspiring and intensely protective. She was also a frightening, abusive, controlling and selfish alcoholic, although sober from the time I was 7. She was a force to be reckoned with, to be sure, and reckon with each other we did.

As a child, I was largely overlooked, as my teenage brothers required much of her attention. But when they left for college, her focus turned to me. We fought, but our battles had a lethal twist: my mom held the ultimate power – to approve or disapprove, to be present or absent, and mostly, to love or not. She held this over my head as collateral,” and I believed her when she told me that she was all I had, and could be taken away at any time. Ultimately, I think she loved me deeply and did the best she could with the tools she was given, but her mothering has taught me in many ways a very important lesson: how NOT to mother my own children.

I took the Motherless Daughters (MD) class in the fall of 2011. It was there I learned that I was motherless twice – not only upon her death in 2004 at age 65 from emphysema, but much earlier in my life, when she was not there for me as a mother. It was her decision to send me from our home in California to boarding school in Massachusetts beginning in grade 5, when I was 10 years old. The argument was that I would receive a much better education than at a public school. My new school only took boarders from grade 7 and up, but made a special exception for me because I was mature.” I don’t like talking about this time in my life because it makes me appear such the victim, but I truly was a child with no choice. I was sad much of the time, missing my mom, who could only afford to bring me home at Christmas and summer. Other holidays were spent with my brothers, who were in college nearby and filled in as de facto parents, or with friends’ or teachers’ families. I learned to acquire love, approval, guidance – parenting – from wherever I could a la carte” style.

For many MDs, their mother left or passed away or drank or withdrew. In my case, she removed me from her and left me to my own devices. I learned through this incredible group that, in many ways, we become emotionally frozen at the age we first experienced motherloss. Mary Ellen, my facilitators and fellow MDs helped me work through many of the steps to growing up emotionally. I lost my Dad during the MD class, ironically the week we read about becoming orphaned. I debated not coming to class that week, but knew it was right where I needed to be.

The class, however, has been only the beginning. I remember thinking that without it, I never would have done the homework involved in starting this grueling journey. Attempting it solo, I envisioned myself reading the first chapter of the book, agreeing that it could change my life, then placing it aside in favor of a nice piece of fiction. The workbook forced me to sit down each week, delve deep, get it out and promptly fall exhausted into bed; it was genuinely that bone tiring for me! But each time I set foot in class, I was received with hugs,love, understanding and a feeling that I was not alone. Our stories were so very different, but we found common ground in mother loss. I felt like a survivor, surrounded by warriors who were nothing less than miracles. I felt like a miracle for the first time in my life.

One of the greatest moments during my MD experience was being told that a total stranger was going to be praying for me specifically. Those who accompanied me on the journey know that, of all the facets of the program, I was least comfortable with the religious aspect of it. I am private about my faith, yet pray all the time inside my head, for those I know and many I don’t, but am not one to shout about God’s love from the rooftops. I remember feeling an immense blanket of love surround me whenever I thought of that someone, chosen especially for me, who was out there praying for me. Meeting her was an even greater joy, as we found so many similarities, despite our outward differences.

Since then, I’ve been a prayer partner for others. It has helped me grow more comfortable in my faith, remember the connection I have to these women, and it’s been a way to give back to an organization that has given me so much. I also volunteer for the newsletter, sharing my writing as needed.

I feel lucky that I was able to experience a closeness with my mom later in life that was never possible growing up. The last 15 years of her life were filled with many visits, phone calls, letters and functions spent together. While I’d love to attribute this shift to her mellowing with age, that’s only partly true. I realized at one point that, despite all, I wanted her in my life. I knew from vast experience that it was fruitless to try to change her, so I decided to accept her. Beyond a few carefully-chosen boundaries, I recall wanting to just soak up all of her good. I now believe this was God working in my life, guiding me toward the understanding that the time to love unconditionally is now, because we truly don’t know how much longer we will have to enjoy the ones we love.

For me after I took this sessions or course, it helped me to look inside of me and analyze myself when I behave in some ways. or to understand the mechanism that I used before. I like to grow as a . . . Read More

For me after I took this sessions or course, it helped me to look inside of me and analyze myself when I behave in some ways. or to understand the mechanism that I used before. I like to grow as a person and I think we need to know and understand our heritage. And after that, we try to choose or do the correct way. Also, the class helped me see what can happen in our family with our own kids. There was a time where I didn’t understand some feelings or conducts but now I am more aware and better that I can take control of certain situations and feelings. The class is helping me to break the cycle that I don’t want to repeat in my own family. I enjoyed being a part of this group and all of them have a “love Lord” feel for others.

When I first learned about the Motherless Daughters class I was hesitant to join, because my mother is still alive. She has not played a mother role for me, at least since my teenage years. I am so . . . Read More

When I first learned about the Motherless Daughters class I was hesitant to join, because my mother is still alive. She has not played a mother role for me, at least since my teenage years. I am so thankful I did choose to take this class, because I found other women in similar situations, and I learned to let go of the anger I had held onto for so many years. I am finally able to release my expectations, and enjoy my mother for who she is, imperfections and all.

Being a daughter of a mother, who is still living, might have presented more apprehensions for me to join the Motherless Daughters class than it possibly could have for others. Whether or not the . . . Read More

Being a daughter of a mother, who is still living, might have presented more apprehensions for me to join the Motherless Daughters class than it possibly could have for others. Whether or not the class was for me or for those I support, I was determined to find out. Having worked very hard on my own recovery, over the last several years, I felt mostly settled into a comfortable rhythm of life and living. I was very well aware,though, that I still had some sticky spots, that could be painful when touched. Still I determined to head confidently into this class, knowing that I still had some unanswered questions, and hoping that even just a few of them could be put to rest. And this is what happened.

Initially the hard work involved relying on the Holy Spirit to help me translate and make personal Hope Edelman’s book. Since her Motherless Daughters book is written from the standpoint of a daughter, who has lost her mom through physical death, I was consistently making the mental shift needed for my learning to take place. Studying along with other women in similar situations, I have found ways to be grateful for new discoveries in my past and present.

lt has been affirming and encouraging to know that God has brought me SO FAR in my personal growth and especially in my relationship with Him. I could never be healed without Him. I still believe that I shouldn’t “live” in the past. My past, however, should be embraced and used to mature and equip me for today, and it has. Since the start of this class, I can confirm that some of the disconnect with my mom has been due to our extreme personality differences. A mom has a certain responsibility to do her best to find a way into their child’s heart, and I don’t think she worked very hard at that task with either myself or my brother. Whether she did or didn’t is not mine to fret over. lt simply WAS.

Today I find myself more content in knowing that much of her behavior comes from past pain, to which I might never be privy. What I am to do, is to distinguish the areas over which I have control. Then let go of the rest. The funny thing is that my mom actually taught me that wonderful concept. Little did she know that I would need to apply it most of all with her!! We also touched on my dad’s role in my losses, and how I learned from his behaviors. Other answers came in regards to my multiple, short term dating experiences, and also in regards to my inability to keep friends. I thank God for this, because now I can find a resting place for that aspect of my life. Maybe even apply it to working on friendship issues with my own daughter.

A quote on page 69 in the MD workbook says, “Compulsion substitutes action for emotion. lt is despair on the emotional level.” This was a profound idea. One of which I absolutely agree and have experienced on both personal and relational levels. I grew in my awareness of two more things. My need for empowerment is insatiable. That “love tank” is almost always on empty or could even have a hole in the bottom, for that matter. I can almost never get enough, because it is completely a matter of the will for me to believe that God has given me the ability to do, think or say anything of importance. When friends try their comments don’t often register in my brain. On each occasion, God shows me how to graciously receive those, as a direct gift from His heart to mine. Secondly, in spite of having this great gaping need for empowerment,God has turned my eyes toward the gifts I HAVE been given by my mom (AND dad). As a young child, I received most aspects of acceptance, nourishment, and instruction. Before this class, I couldn’t identify those as gifts which God gave me through her. This is one of the reasons that I live more gratefully today, which inspires me to find a way to thank my mom for those very important and foundational gifts.

Motherless Daughters is a wonderful opportunity for anyone grieving the absence of a mom. The class helped me identify ways the loss had affected me as well as how to move forward. I learned skills . . . Read More

Motherless Daughters is a wonderful opportunity for anyone grieving the absence of a mom. The class helped me identify ways the loss had affected me as well as how to move forward. I learned skills that are very helpful now and that will also be useful for many years to come as I experience different aspects of the loss in the different seasons of my life.

It is with a heart of gratitude that l finish this course; I am thankful for our leaders who valiantly guided and invested into my life; for Mary Ellen, who followed God’s leading in her life to . . . Read More

It is with a heart of gratitude that l finish this course; I am thankful for our leaders who valiantly guided and invested into my life; for Mary Ellen, who followed God’s leading in her life to write such a life-changing study; for Hope Edelman, who decided to write about her experiences, having confidence that others will be encouraged along the way; for my study partners, who have helped provide profound perspective and insight through this Motherless Daughter study; and for my prayer partner, who has beckoned the heart of my God for His wisdom and guidance on my behalf. Over all these things, I thank my God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who through the power of the Holy Spirit, causes all these things and people to work together for His good and for my joy! Amen!!