Celebrate Me

 I received the ring I bought myself for Mother’s Day today. I usually crochet roses, make, sweet treats, or some nice purchase for other mothers. I usually get the same look like “What’s this? I’m not your mother.” The card clearly states thank you for being kind to me I celebrate you being a mother; so awkward. 

 I have always wanted to pick a flower, make a meal, or buy an expensive gift for my mother. I came to realize it wasn’t that I wanted to buy a gift. I wanted to show appreciation and celebrate love, consistency and endurance. I believe good mothers have these qualities. I can only Imagine.  

This year I celebrate me. 

I celebrate my recovery from Spinal Fusion.  

I celebrate being a Foster Parent.  

I celebrate being a gun owner.  

I celebrate standing squarely on my own two feet with Christ, my husband, family, and friends.  

I celebrate ups and downs. The good and bad. Trials and victories.  

If I hadn’t known the downside I couldn’t know joy in the upside.  

I celebrate me. 

This year I crocheted pot holders for women I will celebrate regardless of the look they will or will not give me. I chuckle to myself thinking how fickle I am from moment to moment; indecisive. What a difference a day makes.  

I celebrate my daughter Vanity. She is pregnant with baby number four. Her CPS case closed on April 29,2022.  She suffered from drug induced psychosis and ended up homeless and pregnant with baby no two. Baby number one was abandoned and the father with full custody, the reconciliation is in process. She was arrested nine months into her pregnancy with baby number two and delivered two weeks later.  

By the grace of God she was allowed into a drug rehab for women with children. Vanity relapsed and baby number two was taken from a motel by CPS. I became his Kin Foster Parent. What a rigorous application process!  

Six months of being on the street she became pregnant with baby number three. Vanity was arrested again and was allowed back into rehab. She received prenatal care this time. October 2021 the court gave her back her son. I was devastated. Gods will be done. She has a two- bedroom apartment and a new car. I celebrate her.  

Does she have some crazy abandonment gene from my bio mother?  Is it in my DNA? 

The mother wound has definitely trickled down. 

I take full responsibility of not knowing how to be emotional available to my first born. I did not model motherhood to her. How could I?  

The one thing I did do was stay in her life and provide food, shelter, and safety to the best of my ability.  

Oh how I missed the mark.