How do you deal with a whirlwind of emotions that feel like they’re going to overtake you on a regular basis?
Not because of what you’ve done but because of the actions of someone else. Someone close to you, such as your friend or family member.
What happens when that person is your mom? The one that’s supposed to give you the love, the guidance you need to thrive in this world. There were many times I would reach out to my mom, for her love, but I was continuously rejected.
I remember when I wanted to learn how to cook. I was about 12 years old. I would watch my mom cook rice, stir fry vegetables with chicken, Italian sausage lasagna, and the list goes on. She used to make this tropical frozen pie that had graham cracker crust, a layer of sweetened cream cheese, topped with chopped pineapples and bananas, and for the finishing layer, whipped cream and a sprinkle of chopped walnuts. Oh my goodness, I’m getting so hungry just thinking about it! I had asked my mom, “Can you teach me how to make that delicious pie sent from heaven above?” She would tell me, not right now.
I then asked her about learning how to make something as simple as rice. She looked at me with a very stern look and said, “Just watch me cook. I don’t feel like walking you through all the steps of my cooking process. Aren’t you smart enough to just watch me and learn that way? Don’t ask me to teach you how to cook anymore, I don’t have the time nor the energy for it.”
After that response, I just let it go. I regretted asking her about it. I just thought why on earth was it so hard to teach me how to cook rice? What was her deal? Why didn’t she have time for me? She sure had the time to make me. Why have me if she really didn’t want to be bothered with me? These are some of the questions that would soar throughout my mind every day, like a hawk over its prey. I just wanted those thoughts to go away.
I remember I started to hang out with my friends more. I would do my regular calls to check in at home, plus a couple extra ones so there was no question that I was safe and sound. For some reason, my mom was so irritated with one of the calls that I had made at about 7 pm one night. She told me at this point, I was harassing her. I said “Mom, I’m simply being a respectful daughter by keeping you updated on where I am.” She told me I was doing too much, and she already knew where I was.
She also stated since I loved it so much there, I might as well not come home. I was so surprised and hurt that she said that to me. I told her at least I feel loved over at my friends’ house. She hung up on me. I didn’t know what else to do at this point but feel so angry that she decided to continually push me away. My friend looked at me and said “I’m here for you. I’m so sorry what you’re going through, you don’t deserve this.”
I ended up going home later on and went straight to my bed. I turned on some music, grabbed my pen and notebook. I wrote, “I am loved” over and over as my tears rolled down my cheeks and onto the paper. I got up after writing that mantra about 100 times and started to let the beautiful music that was playing take control, as I danced through my sorrow. A smile slowly appeared on my face.
It was in that moment that I learned how to dance through the rain. I reminded myself that no matter what I was going through, eventually the rain dries up and the sun comes out. And a rainbow always shines through.