Dear mom

Dear Mom
by Maya (Guest Writer)

I wish you could have been there for me and tucked me in just one more time.
I wish I could have heard you pray; felt your blessing cover my heart
And your kiss touch my head.

It’s said that if it’s not beautiful, then God isn’t finished. And He’s not.
He’s not finished with this because I still feel the gnawing pain of your absence.
It’s hard to see the beauty where there’s been so much void.
But what I can see is the strength God has given me to not give up.
To keep trekking forward.
To remember that even when it hurts, He’s still got me in the palm of His hand.

We never said goodbye. And I keep wishing for a hello.
I’ve been holding on to anger. A tight ball in the pit of my gut.
I don’t want that anger to be a part of me anymore.

I forgive you for the walls you had with me.
For the distance you kept me at.
For your fear of letting me get close to your own heart.
I forgive you for the words you’ve spoken over me, at me and about me.
And for the words you didn’t speak at all.
I forgive you for the moments you chose not to be there.
For the hugs you didn’t give and for the time we didn’t get to share.
I recognize that how you treated me wasn’t about me at all.
It was about the pain that was inside of you.
I forgive you, Mom.
I forgive you for choosing not to get help for your own triggers and pain.

I’m asking God to heal what sometimes seems too deep to completely fill or repair.
And no matter how things feel, I’m trusting Him.
The One who created me, formed me, put His spirit in me…
That He’s going to finish the work He has started.

I can no longer allow you to be an enemy of my heart.
I revoke that permission.
I break off the walls I have built and hidden behind.
I choose to see you for the person that you are. Not just the role that you played in my life. Because you, too, are a daughter of the Most High God.
And all of us are on a journey.

Sincerely,
~Motherless Daughter