Lost Without You

As a little girl, I always looked up to you and enjoyed being in your presence. You were God-sent to help teach, protect and mold me. You were one amazing woman of God who loved to give and serve others. Your heart was golden, a heart after God, filled with love to give and share. You had so many hopes, dreams, and desires to fulfill. You were my best friend.

We spent many days and nights in deep conversation, laughing until we cried, and sharing stories with each other that made our relationship so endearing. We prayed together. We attended church services and conferences together. We shopped together, traveled together, and I loved when we engaged in deep discussions about God. We did a lot together, but we still had many more things to do, many more places to visit, and more stories to tell.

The day we got the definitive diagnosis that cancer had invaded your precious temple, it all seemed so surreal to me.  This cannot be your story! There is no way that you really have the “c” word. That is what I called it. I could not even bring myself to speak it out loud and call it by name. I was convinced that there had to be a mix-up somewhere in your files. Even though God showed me years before that you would be leaving me, I was in denial. Through all of the chemotherapy, surgeries, doctors’ visits, and hospital stays, you continued to fight and I continued to have hope. This cannot be your story! Some days were good, others were not so good but you continued to fight.  By your side I was planted and I continued to have hope. At times the light was getting brighter, and then came more complications, limited options, and more bad news. Could this really be your story? This journey was so hard and devastating to watch you endure but you continued to fight, so I continued to have hope, and together we continued to trust God.

When time drew near for you to leave, I cried out to God. The dreadful call came that you were declining and we needed to get to the hospital to make some difficult life changing decisions. I had so many questions for God that I wanted and needed answered. Why hasn’t she been healed yet? How can I make such difficult decisions such as this? How am I supposed to move on without her? How can I continue to live? I felt as if I could not live one single day without your presence here on earth. I repeated these questions out loud and in my head over and over and over again. I pleaded with God like I had done many times before. “Please do not take my sister away from me!” This all appeared to be a horrible nightmare that I was not waking up from. The time had finally come for you to go to your new eternal home. I was there with you until you took your last breath. A piece of me left instantly with you and from that moment my life changed forever!